I had an amazing day yesterday. As you know, I had the day off, even though it was in the middle of the week. There's something wonderful about having a mid-day week off; it's like a happy mistake. It's almost as if you're playing hooky, except that it's legitimate.

Anyway, it was a gorgeous sunny day here in SF and I made an impromptu plan to go to the beach, something I really should do more often. Going to the beach in SF is never really like going to the beach in L.A., because the wind makes it so cold here. Going to the beach in SF is more about the scenery, lush surrounding foliage, and hiking through the woods. While hiking the woods, on the cliffs overseeing the ocean, I came upon a beautiful isolated location with the Golden Gate Bridge in direct view. Marvelous view, beautiful weather, and complete isolation on the edge of a dramatic drop to the rocks.

What is it about being around nature that always makes one ponder life? It must be an innate feeling of humility, an attempt to see oneself as part of that nature, with a sense of awe. (I suppose it's a sense of "ahh" as well.) I sat up there for an hour or so, actually relaxing, and contemplating my life. That's not an easy task. My biggest difficulty in life is making decisions, I realized. With so many possible directions to go, I have a hard time deciding, in part because I don't have a strong desire for any direction. In the end, I just go with the flow. While this may sound loose and fancy-free, it sometimes restricts me to the situation of the moment without providing me with an overall definition of what I want out of life. I decided I wanted more out of life.

With those thoughts, I began to write down (yes, write down on a pad of paper) actual, practical activities that would help develop and nurture my life. While still going with the flow in general, this would help motivate me in directing that flow to fit myself. I wrote, "Things I want to do" and listed the following:
Spanish Class: not to master and make myself feel like a failure, but to enjoy and learn slowly over a period of time. the object is the taking of the class and the education process.
Gym: continue regular gym attendance. not to master or for major muscles, but to enjoy and gain health and fitness over time. the object is regular excersize and enjoying overall fitness and health.
Yoga Class: not to master but to try it out. the object is to relax and enjoy and learn.
Meditation Class: not to master but to try it out. the object is to relax and also find time for myself to reflect and process and nurture my *self*.
Lower Debt: not to end completely this year, but to gradually lower it. reduce spending and pay off continually to lower debt and at some point cut credit card spending.
Home buying: not to buy this year, but to learn more about the process, what I need, and contemplate where and what to buy in the future.
A Dog: not to obtain until I have a purchased home.

Do you sense a theme? I did. One of the most important things I came away with yesterday was the sense of not trying to be perfect. I have a tendency to always want to perfect and master everything. This tendency leads to a sense of failure because I never feel good enough. I'm glad I realized this and I will try to simply enjoy the process itself, versus trying to finish and win the race immediately.

Writing these things down, spending the time to actually contemplate what I want, giving of myself to my *self*, allowed me to actualize what I want. This is something I've been needing for a long time, and I have a chance day off to thank for it. What is it about nature that makes one think about life? I don't know all the answers; I'm just glad I had the opportunity.