THE ONGOING STRUGGLE

It's still hard. I'm sorry, but it is. It's getting a little better. But it's still hard.

It's so hard to determine things to do in life, everyday, anyday. I woke up this morning and just kept going back to bed over and over because I didn't know what to get up for. I don't like to live by plans, it makes me feel trapped. And yet, I think I need plans and rituals because it gives me a reason to move. I spent most of the morning (about 4 or so hours) just deciding to go outside. I couldn't decide what would be worth doing. I had this inkling in the back of my head that I would go and look at the Bay and read the paper. But I kept debating over and over where to go and how to go and fighting off excuses for not doing it or for it being too much trouble or for lack of interest. It was so hard to leave the house today.

But I did it. ;-) It was hard, but I did it. And I did something fun. I walked over to the top of Nob Hill, to my favorite corner, where one can stand at the top of the hill above a downward street and look out and see the most magnificent view. There's nothing there but an intersection, but I chose to make it my own today. I plopped myself down on the sidewalk with my bag, my coffee, and the paper. And I sat there and enjoyed the view and read the paper for about an hour and a half. I kept having to fight off going somewhere else constantly (I always want to do something different, seemingly more enjoyable, while I'm doing something enjoyable), but I managed to stay put, only to move when the occasional tourist group came by and asked for me to take their picture.

But then the day was still hard. Afterwards I walked around the park on the hill a bit, sat and watched the children play, read some more paper, and then went back home. And then I never left the house again. It was a beautiful day and I'm so glad I did make it out some, but I wish it could have been for longer or have been more filled. Instead I sat on the computer and did nothing, which is most days now. I'm so tired of that, but it's so hard to get myself motivated anymore for anything at all. It's still hard. But I'm trying and I'm proud that I did make it out for a little bit today.

In general, there are things I do want to do, at least philosophically, but I've lost my passion. I used to want to volunteer and work with youth groups and do political activities and fight the good fight and make friends and have friends and have dinners and concerts and plays and movies and such. And there's that Spanish class I keep meaning to sign up for. And then there's that new home search and want of a dog and want of traveling and beaches and oceans and springs and parks and love. And love. But my passion is so gone these days. How can I do those things when I can't get out of bed? How can I do anything when I can't get any interest in anything? It's hard still. But it is s-l-o-w-l-y getting better. I hope.