WHAT'S NEW?

My cell phone rang while I'm on the phone at work. I didn't recognize the number and felt that maybe I should answer it. It was Corey, a co-worker and friend from my last job-- the political consulting office I worked at from 1999-2001.

Corey: "Reese, you know what's been going on with Robert, right?
Me: "I've been keeping up on the emails and hearing stuff through the grapevine."
Corey: "Well, we don't think he's going to make it through the night and everyone is coming by right now. You might want to come down here right away and give your final respects."
Me: "Oh, oh, ok, well, I could try and be there later tonight-- how late are visiting hours?"
Corey: "You can come anytime, but you really should come soon, he may not make it until tonight."
Me: "Ok, I'll try."

Robert is my former boss. He hired me in the fall of 1999 after I moved here and I was still wide-eyed and excited and looking for community jobs and volunteering and had my passion. Even though I had absolutely no experience in financial matters, he hired me to manage his political consulting business, doing the books, writing checks, overseeing the office needs and personnel, and occasionally working on some campaign stuff. Then in 2000 he merged with a few other political consultants and became a much larger firm and I was the only person from the office he took with him into the merger. There, at the larger firm, I was no longer going to do fiscal matters and I would bring my activism, legislative, and political background into running campaigns. He helped me move into this political arena, of which I'd never actually done direct campaigns before-- other than volunteering or through other groups. It was through this firm that I got to run the local library bond campaign throughout 2000 and of which I am most proud for that period.

Robert's been in the hospital since June. It took them a while to figure out what was wrong and they were asking friends and relatives to stay away from the hospital because he needed to rest. Having been such a political player for many years, his floor of the hospital had become a Democratic convention. I never went to visit because they preferred people just send their regards and they would alert us as to when was better time for visiting. A network of friends began putting together updates via email and such on his progress and on visiting possibilities and such. I kept up with that and checked in with friends. But today, I got the call of a different sort. It was time to visit because there was no other time.

After I got off the phone I realized that I should just go directly there right away. And I did. But it's hard to know what to do or how to feel. I'm not good with emotions, especially when I'm given situations where I gather I'm supposed to feel one way right away and I'm particularly not good with last minute emotions. I'm also not good with emotions in group settings. Everyone there was quiet and subdued and it was kinda like a big reunion except that no one was happy. Robert wasn't conscious and people were going in one-by-one to just see him. I didn't know if I wanted to for fear of ... I don't know. But I went in briefly and it was just surreal seeing him lying there with tubes in his mouth, eyes open but not seeing, and life being held on by machines. I went back to the groups in the waiting rooms. This was the ICU and there were two big, comfortable waiting rooms. Again, everyone was chatting and reconnecting. I've been out of this circle for a while now and so it was good to catch up, but very awkward in how to ask or respond to "What's new?" or "How are you?" under these circumstances.

Again, it was hard and still is hard to know how to feel. Robert and I didn't have the closests of relationships. We were boss and employee, although we definitely developed a friendship and fondness. We fought a lot, mostly during the first year, because we had very different and conflicting personalities. He was known for fighting and many employees before me left. I was not known for fighting in general, but I never seemed to have a problem in sticking up for myself or arguing against him because it just seemed the way things were there. Over time, we calmed and he greatly calmed. He met a wonderful man who became his husband in 2000 and that really soothed his temperment. I feel so sad for Carlos right now. He seems to be holding up well, but I'm sure he's also in shock.

After I left that firm in 2001 Robert and I would still see each other around occasionally and we definitely had a relationship, but I'm not sure how to describe it. We have always been very different people and I don't think either of us knew how to react to the other one. It's hard to know how to react because it's a terribly sad and distressing situation. I feel terrible for the loss for Carlos and Robert's family and friends, and for the community in general for the incredible and large role Robert's played in it for so many years, but it's hard to know how to feel on a personal level. I'm just not good with emotions, in groups, in times of crisis, or within myself.

I went there twice last night and left a little before 10pm to go home. Robert was still alive at the time, but the family was in the other room discussing funeral arrangements and final wishes. Robert was not expected to make it through the night. I haven't heard anything yet this morning and I'm not sure how or what or whom to ask. I've got a sadness inside me this morning that I don't know how to express, and yet I'm also struggling with what to do about it and the thoughts of just living my day "normally." I'm just so definitely not good with times of crisis or emotions.