PRIDE & SELF ESTEEM

I get lost often in a sea of discontent of my own making and will. Fighting yourself is possibly the hardest opponent because you know your weaknesses from within and you can convince yourself of so many things. These days I lose track of time when I'm alone as I lose track of myself and my hopes and dreams and plans jump out the window waiting for me to snap out of my daze. When I rise from my daymare I'm so exhausted by it all that I lull myself into my bed and sleep away my troubles, only to find them haunting me again and again each time I wake. When I try to better my existence I inundate myself with so many thoughts and dreams and hopes that their numbers and size overwhelm me to exhaustion once again. It isn't fair; it isn't right; but how can I properly win against myself in a fight. So alone I sit wishing and hoping for some possible escape from my current existence, but knowing that my inner demons cannot be quelled so easily. It's not a simple matter of sadness or depression or shame. It's a constant and reverberating numbness that knows no boundaries. It's a lack of willpower. It's an inner confusion and misdirection. It's a realization that this is life, my life. And my life is not what I want it to be and I am unsure and unclear on how to make it what I do want it to be. I am unwhole; I am broken; I am hurt and damaged and bitter and fearful. Lest you think otherwise, this is not a suicidal or hate-filled diatribe. This is a statement of un-pride, low self-esteem, and of a recognition of my faults. This is a writing in which I must say what is real and underneath all the smiles and laughs-- for it is not what can be seen. And it is necessary to learn from and understand the underlying depths of each of us as we struggle to be whole and full of the pride we hope to have. I have had difficulty writing lately as we've gone to war and so much writing and reading and thinking has seemed trivial. But I know that as individuals we must go on in life in order to make ourselves, and by extension, the world better. Global peace begins with inner peace. At this time global peace has a long way to go based upon my own circumstances. But I hope and pray that I can slay my own internal demons and get passed these difficult wars within myself. Until that time, wish me luck and pray for the world-- mine, yours, and ours.