my depression is really hard to understand, as i mentioned before. it's just not logical at all. again, it's not about sadness. it's about some kind of distinterest.

for instance, i'll think that i should unpack, i know i need to unpack, i see the bag in the middle of my floor still packed, and in my head, i'll just think "what difference does it make? i'll just have to pack again and then unpack again and over and over again and so what's the point of it?" or another example, i'll know that i need to eat something but then i'll think "what's the point? i'll just have to eat again later and it doesn't solve anything. why eat?" another example, i'll know i have to go to work today and then i'll sit there on my couch and stare at the walls and think "what's the point? there is no point. everything is useless and stupid and nothing matters."

and on and on. and it becomes completely disfunctional in the sense that i cannot get anything done and just lay there, or sit there, or don't get out of bed, or distract myself with online surfing, or distract myself in other ways because i don't want to think about the reality anymore and i don't want to do anything because doing anything seems pointless.

and so i sit. and i can't move. and i can't do anything that needs to be done. and i just feel like stopping the world somehow.

it doesn't make sense. i don't think it's supposed to. that's why it's an illness. and i struggle with it sometimes. and other times, when my meds are working properly, i don't struggle so much. this week was an example of my meds not working for some reason, or a heightened state of depression for some reason or other, or something. i'm not sure. and it doesn't make sense. it just is.

below is an abridged email i sent to jessie yesterday with more of these thoughts:

sorry i was acting weird last night
i've been feeling really odd all week
kinda like i did two summers ago when i couldn't get myself to go to work in berkeley and kept calling in sick and not eating and not leaving my house
then i was depressed and not on prozac and suicidal
now i'm just depressed, on prozac, and not suicidal (i promise!)
and i've been trying to figure out why i'm depressed this week
and the online stuff has just been a distraction to keep me from doing my work and from letting myself think about what i want to do
i think i'm scared of things working out and being happy and so i've been being destructive to myself this week by not doing anything constructive or useful or necessary (i haven't been doing any work, i haven't gone anywhere i needed to go, i didn't meet you guys for dinner, i haven't even unpacked still, and i've just wasted time online as a distraction and time waster)
and the more i would try to get myself in gear and do the things i need and want to do, the more i would feel overwhelmed and unfocused and just cycle back into doing nothing but being online
i would even say to myself that i knew i didn't want to be doing this and that i wanted to do other things and i would get tired and want to lay down but i still couldn't focus on anything
i upped my prozac slightly now and i'm trying to shake myself out of this slump
but it's been my week
i'm supposed to go to a party tonight (believe it or not) or else i'd say lets hang tonight
i just needed to get this all out so here it is in email form....
thanks for listening and being a great friend
i think i'm scared of either failing miserably, or more likely as things in my life are really coming together, succeeding wonderfully. and so i'm trying my best to make myself fail, for reasons that are obviously deeply and intrusively psychological
that's the scoop


and so that's what my week, with a higher than normal depressive episode, has been like. it's not pretty and it doesn't make any sense. it just is. i thought i'd write about it and share.