the essence of FAM

over the last few years i've been struggling. with language. and with societal boundaries that didn't reflect reality. and specifically, where language and society meet, or more important, don't meet.

you see, i live alone. but i'm not alone. i don't have a boyfriend or a lover or a partner. and yet, i'm not alone. yes, i have my family, my blood relatives, who live in other areas of the country. but i also have my friends.

but look at the word 'friend.' what's the definition? the word 'friend' can define everyone from someone you talk to at the water cooler to someone with whom you spend every day and plan vacations and tell you love. there are too many definitions of the word 'friend' and society doesn't gauge the difference among references.

so for instance, when i mention my 'friend' corby or my 'friend' jessie, i'm not referring to someone i have a casual acquaintance with. i'm referring to members of my family, but with whom i do not have sex nor do i have blood relations. this is incredibly different from saying 'i have a friend in that office,' or 'i'm going to a party with a bunch of friends i met this weekend.'

in my life, this was creating a problem for me in communication. and in the reality of societal recognition. say i was talking to someone and they asked me what i did over the weekend. i might say, 'oh, i spent the weekend with my friend jessie.' or 'i got a call and caught up with my friend walter.' or 'my friend martin came to visit.' respondents simply did not know exactly how to interpret this. 'friend' doesn't connotate appropriately. i would often get asked if this was a 'dating friend' or 'sex friend' or 'casual acquaintance' or 'do you hang out a lot?' and more.

think about that for a minute.

if, for instance, i had said, 'i spent the weekend with my husband' or 'i got a call from my mother' or 'my uncle came to visit,' the societal recognition would immediately weigh in and this relationship would be understood based upon the general concepts of those terms: 'husband,' 'mother,' and 'uncle.' but if i say 'friend,' there's no easy answer to what weight those terms had, nor any recognition of a bond that may be more than or equal to a familial bond.

again, think about that for a minute.

what we as a society are saying with our language, or lack of language in this case, is that certain relationships are more worthy of mentioning and defining and conceptualizing than others, simply because they have terms. and our society does not have appropriate terms for friendships.

sure, there are minor exceptions. women, and some gay men, can refer to their friends as 'girlfriend.' but then, it's not that clear there either and can be used on a variety of levels, and finally, for women these days it could also refer to a sexual relationship. the glbt community has often used the word 'family' to connotate its own relationships, but again, that's not a clear definition and can be something that can simply refer to be in the glbt community. various ethnic and racial communities have similar references to friendships, but again, this can be utilized to simply mean a member of the community in general.

there are no words in the english language that are commonly used in this day and age to express the concept of a friendship that is more than a simple acquaintance, more than a once-a-month-luncheon, more than the regular people we call 'friends.' there is not a word to describe a relationship that is not sexually, or familialy-tied in some way, that is a strong bond. there is no word.

and that's a problem. because it shortchanges many a relationship. and it creates boundaries that don't allow for relationships to blossom further. say, for instance, i was married. upon meeting up with me, people might naturally ask how things are with my husband, or with my family in general. they doubtfully would ask about my close friends, unless they know both of us well, and even then it can create questions like 'are you still hanging out with...?' or 'are you still talking to...?'

that immediately defines a relationship in the light of having an end. we do not ask married people, 'are you still married to...?' even if we might be wondering about that! that would be considered rude and inappropriate. because clearly a married couple, or a family, would not be apart from each other, unless, ties were severed in some way. but we automatically wonder, and phrase our queries about friendships, in this light. this does not recognize and validate and strengthen the bond that a friendship can produce. and continues the cycle of friendships being seen as less than and tenable.

with all that said, and with my problem outlined as above, i decided to come up with a solution. i'm going to change the language, coin my own terminology, and create the essence of FAM. FAM-- Friends Are More. yeah, maybe it's corny. yeah, maybe it won't catch on. but maybe, just maybe, it will help resolve my own dilemma, and those of many others. and it's easily something that i have many times wondered why the greeting card industry never created on its own.

first of all, this isn't just for me and my dilemma. this goes beyond me and my little life. think of the 'friendships' all around the country and throughout history that could be oh-so-better defined and matured with better terms. for instance, my family back in missouri has a neighborhood family with whom we are all very close. they help each other out. they give each other birthday and christmas presents. we have meals together. and yet, we have no word to describe that relationship, other than neighbors or friends. or think of other family friends that are part of the 'family.' or think of friendships that have lasted for 20-30 years or more and that clearly are not just acquaintanceships.

or think of the concept of 'best friends.' this term we use often to help clear up the language and elevate the term 'friend' to a closer status of relationship. but this fails. because it automatically connotates a choice of one above others. and only one. well, what if you have more than one friend that you consider close? do you call them all your 'best friend'? this can become very confusing if you're talking about many of your close relationships in this way.

so there you have it. my concept to share with the world. there's much more to say about it. there's much more i will want to write about it. but for now, there you have a general idea of what i mean when i say FAM. FAM gives a terminology to a relationship that already exists but which our society doesn't recognize. we've had other situations in our language that have been moved forward by recognition and conceptualization. 'domestic partner,' 'in-law,' 'ex.' language develops over time to meet the needs of the society. we need a term that helps explain, value, and recognize the fact that some friendships are more than just 'friends.' that is the essence of FAM.