on being a fan

i never really care about celebrities (in entertainment, in politics, in government, in business, in anything). in general, i don't have any interest in hoping one day to meet one. on the off occasion when i've run into one or met one in person, it's no big deal. i've met my share of political celebrities. i've met a few entertainment celebrities. no big deal really. (although i still love to recount my run-in with Shemar Moore who was even hotter in person, if that's possible.

with all that said, there are only two celebrities that i have any real interest in meeting. one died years ago (River Phoenix) so there's no way that's gonna happen. the live one is a reclusive actor that rarely makes many movies any more and rarely leaves his home in hawaii's sparesly populated big island. i've been a major fan of Jason Scott Lee since my college days, when I first saw him in his first leading role in Map of the Human Heart. i fell in love instantly. since then i've followed his career over the years and watched all kinds of his low-budget b-movies and continued my far-away-love-affair.

so when i found out a few days ago that jason scott lee was going to be appearing in person at a screening of his latest film, Only the Brave, which was having a showing as part of the San Francisco Asian American Film Festival, i not only knew i had to attend, but i knew i had to let myself be a fan, a true fanatic fan, for once.

you have to understand. jason scott lee is my pretend-famous-celebrity-lover. i see him onscreen and i melt everytime. it's not exactly comprehensible. it's very emotional and full of love and desperation and sadness and hope and dreams and excitement and lust and fascination and love. it's one of those rare times when i feel rappoire with an actor no matter what he's doing. it's not logical; it comes from the gut. when i was in grad school, i used to have a poster of him in my dorm room. i used to talk about him with my friends all the time. i used to, well, so much stuff. it's hard to relate. it's just a strong emotional connection that i had only for one other celebrity and probably never will again since so much of this is wrapped up in youthful longings and teenage dreams. i was young and in love with love and the emotions are still buried deep within. simple but complicated and intense.

before last night's show, i arrived two hours early so i could be first in line. the whole last two days i have been a mess of fear and anticipation and emotions in preparation for possibly meeting him in person. before i left home yesterday, i pulled out several of his movies i have on tape and carried them around all day. (i tried to find the poster i used to have hanging in my dorm room, but i couldn't find it. i'm pretty sure i threw it out when i moved across the country. this is why i should never throw anything away-- i'll need it later! and i was thinking that i would take all this stuff and show him that i was a big fan and have him sign something. i know, how fanatic.) but for this one day and this one cause of celebrity, i decided to allow myself to be a total fan and not hold myself back. if there was ever a time in my life when i was going to allow myself to be a screaming teenage fan in love with celebrity, this was going to be my one day. and on that note, i didn't invite any friends to come with me because i was too embarassed about how i might look in person being this crazy fan for one day.

so, as i was saying, i arrived two hours early. i also hoped that maybe i'd run into him just walking around the theater. i got there so early that they weren't even allowing us to go upstairs and get in the line yet. so i just waited outside. and then, i saw him. i saw him walking past the theater with another guy and they were just walking and talking like normal people do. and i thought, do i go up and say anything or do i wait til the movie when i know there will be a time to talk or what do i do? i got so nervous and scared that i just stared and walked away and then kept staring and was scared to death.

and then i stalked him. yes, i stalked him. yes, i followed him several blocks up the street, from a great distance, and watched him and his friend walking up the street and into his hotel. this was so wrong. this was so wrong. but, yes, i stalked him. and then i felt terrible about it and i walked back down to the theater and sat in front again waiting for them to let us in line. i felt so much shame for being so shamefully pathetic about seeing him in person and not being able to move except to secretly follow.

finally they let us upstairs to get in line, and i was the first to go up, but then when i got in line there was actually someone already up there in line! i couldn't believe it, but somehow he made it up first and i was second. but anyway, it doesn't matter because i was early enough to eventually get in the theater and pick my front row center seat. so while waiting the hour or so for them to let the line into the movie theater, eventually he and other cast members walked into a press-section of the festival for some press photos and interviews. i just kept staring from the line. i wanted to walk over, but i was too nervous and scared, and i had still had no idea what to say! what does one say to someone like this?

eventually, after a long time of trying to decide what to do, i decided to go for it. i walked over to the exclusive press section, walked right up to him as he was talking to some other guy, and introduced myself.

me: 'hi, i just wanted to let you know i'm a big fan and it's great to see you here.'
him: 'well, thank you.' (or something like that, i was so lost i'm not sure what was happening, but i know it was something short like that with a smile and and handshake and in a very quiet, modest voice)
me: 'i'm looking forward to seeing your film tonight.'
(waiting for response-- none)
me: 'it's great to meet you.'
(waiting for response-- none)
me: 'well, welcome to san francisco'
(and he went back to his friend and talked and i skulked away back to my place in line)

'welcome to san francisco'!?! what kind of lame line is that? what was i thinking? and why didn't he say more to me? did he not like me? was he thinking i was weird and rude for interrupting him with his colleague? was i wrong to say hi? did he not like me? i kept thinking that maybe when i met him after the movie that he'd be more responsive and in love with me, like i knew he was but didn't know it yet.

eventually, i sat through the movie front row center so that i could be right next to the stage when the cast and director had their panel discussion after the movie on the stage in front. so the group came up after the movie and answered some questions from the monitor and talked about the movie and such and then we all had to leave the theater for the next movie to start.

i left the theater and everyone was milling around the lobby. i looked around and found him signing autographs on the movie stubs of a few people who didn't really know him but now wanted to meet him. they don't know him like i know him! i went up again and pulled out from my bag my movie tape (and yes, it's a tape, not a DVD, because it's from a long time ago) and asked him to sign the back of it. he did, but didn't really converse with me. he just signed it and moved on to the next autograph. although he laughed a little when he saw the movie tape pulled out. but mostly he didn't say anything to me and looked at me a little oddly. i think he was fearful of me, or at least fearful of the love he has for me that he doesn't yet know how to handle.

i then left the theater, called up my friends and recounted my long night's story one by one, and felt sad. i felt sad because he didn't talk to me enough. and i felt sad that i was so pathetic. so pathetic. first of all, i was a pathetic fan to a celebrity, so lame. secondly, i said terribly pathetic things like, 'welcome to sf,' instead of heartful and meaningful things like the meaning of life or something that would show my intellect and strength of character. maybe i should have just said 'i love you.' but then, he probably would have been scared of me and nervous about that i think.

so that's my story, my story on being a fan, on allowing myself to let it all out and being a screaming teenage fan for one day and meet a celebrity and ask for an autograph. i did it. i don't want to ever go through that again. it was too much emotion and panic and worry and fear for one day. and there's no one else in the world i would care to go through that again with. now, i'd still love to meet and see jason scott lee again, and i'm still somewhat in love with him, but i've met him and seen him and i'm done. i've met him and shemar, and i can't meet river, so i'm done with celebrity. and i'm done being a fanatic. i'm going back to being just a regular guy who is happy with the great normal people i meet in my life.