the usual

so all weekend i tore up my house
because i couldn't find my train tickets
the tickets i'll be using for my train trip across the country
on my two day journey back from the midwest to my home in san francisco

i had received the tickets in the mail in early november
and i stuck them high up on a shelf facing me
because they made me happy
and because i wanted to see them daily so i would remember where they were

and then with my parents coming to visit this thanksgiving
i cleaned my apartment
and i took them off that shelf and put them somewhere
somewhere i apparently thought i would always remember
except i couldn't find them
in any of the usual places
and even in the unusual places

i kept telling my kitty as i searched and she hid
"this is why i should never clean!"
"this is why i should never clean!"
"this is why i should never clean!"
"this is why i should never clean!"

and i blamed myself
not just for the cleaning
but also because i tend to be so scatterbrained sometimes
and i try and be coordinated
but it all goes to pot at times
and i blank out

it's like when i do taxes or anything related to computers
it's as if i'm a 3 year old and i can't focus or understand
and so i just want to hide under the covers
away from the world
and pretend that i'm not this pathetic

so by monday morning i had decided
i would have to call amtrak and have them reissue the tickets
and somehow luckily i had found the reservation email printed out in my search
luckily
because for some unknown reason all of my old emails are missing from my inbox
yeah, another computer thing i just don't comprehend
i just take it as is and try and make due

and as i was leaving my apartment monday morning
i was looking in my bookshelf where i keep my bills
which was the place that i swore to myself was where i put them
and where would be the obvious place
and as i looked closely
very closely
i noticed an envelope hidden behind the crack in the shelf
falling behind to the next shelf
behind other materials and whatnot on that second shelf
and all very hidden from plain sight
i tugged at the enveloped
and pulled it into view
and luckily, oh so luckily
it was the tickets
my train tickets
for across the country
my tickets to the train trip that i'm so eager to take
i would not have to call
i would not have to do anything further
but most importantly
i would not have to blame myself any longer
i could blame the bookshelf
and its cracks
where things can get lost
yes, i could blame the bookshelf
i was saved