Clutter

There is dirt on the mantel, there is trash on the floor, there are papers that no longer need read, there is hair in the brush, there is stain on the tub, there is soil on the shirt, there is more than that all around the home, and it stays there, lives there, fulfills more than its usual life span for I am blocked from the desire for change which is needed to make that change and clean that dirt and pick up that trash and throw out those papers and take out that hair and wipe that stain and rinse that soil, for I am blocked by my own fright of change that change which is needed is feared even when all around says it needs to be, but where that fear is set in and overtakes everything to where there is nothing left but the fear itself of the change which is needed, but for want of concern of the negative aspects of change the positive aspects of change cannot be set free, and so I am left with the dirt on the mantel, the trash on the floor, the papers, the hair, the stain, the soil of life that cannot move forward and lives in the past for fear that the future may need something like this from the past in order to move forward and in order to be better. It is not laziness in the promotion of change, in the plans for cleanliness or order or making things better, it is fear, fear itself, that one day that change that was made was the wrong change to make and it should have been something different that should have happened and not what I did to make it change.

Say I finally throw out that piece of paper that I have already read, of which I no longer need, of which I am sure to never look at again, but which still sits on my shelf waiting for me to change its placement on my shelf into a place in the trash which will then supposedly go into a receptacle that will then go into another receptacle and into a larger receptacle which will then be taken somewhere far away and gone from my placement on my shelf, gone from my life, gone from me, and then days later upon its disappearance from my life, my shelf, it suddenly is recounted and re-needed upon the realization that something I never could imagine before of what could possibly be a reason for needing suddenly came before me and showed the need that I could not see but now which I do and I wish and wish and dream and wish that I had not taken that paper off of the shelf to go into the receptacle to another receptacle to another one and so on until it was gone, gone, gone from my world into another world never to be found by my world again and I am left, left all alone in a world without simply because I could not fathom a world in which the change could hurt me but here it is a world where the change did hurt me and so it really was not worth it to make the change even though it seemed like a good idea at the time for it often seems like change is the right thing to do and consider and plan, but in reality this change of which I chose had turned out to haunt and hurt and pain me, and so therefore I should never have chosen this change and I should have left the paper on the shelf and left well enough alone and left all as it was, so I am left with recounting the past that was and the future that could have been all due to the fact that I made a change and threw out that paper that was cluttering my home and life when it was the clutter all the time that was needed around me to make the future brighter and my life more whole.

Is it really the dirt’s fault that it lies there on the mantel? Is it not easier to see the dirt and watch the dirt grow and thrive? Who am I to make the decision that the dirt should go? What if this piece of dirt should contain a million lives of which I cannot see and which are helping me in my life in ways unknown to me now but in some science fiction related story of how I am killing all of humankind because I have chosen to clean the dirt away from the mantel leaving nothing behind but the so-called and so-desired cleanliness which is supposedly close to godliness but which one wonders if that is not evil’s way of tricking us all into thinking that we are doing good by cleaning when in reality we are killing thousands of specs of dirt where life lives and thrives and people are bettered for it in ways that we simply cannot ascertain now but which maybe one day when we come to realize that there are other options in the world and other worlds in the world and we have been so blind to it all and now that we can see the totality of the world we recognize that cleanliness was not next to godliness but that we have been tricked by the evil of the world into doing the exact opposite of what we should have been doing because by the trickeries of the evil all around us we were really doing exactly what we should not have been doing and we are left now with a continued effect of killing ourselves over and over again to where we are stuck in the same cycle of life that we think we are making better by fixing and changing but in reality it is the cycle of the first which we need to continue and not move into that next world based on change, where if we simply trained our eyes more closely to be attuned to the reality of the necessity of the dirt on the mantel, even if which we cannot see and for which we cannot fathom a reason, we should recognize is more than we thought it might be and more than could be in a sense of the world of which we know, and so we have actually, in changing things, in cleaning that dirt, in sweeping the dirt away, in moving in a new direction, we have damaged, we have damaged, we have destroyed and damaged our future and our life simply because we chose to make a new change and clean that dirt and sweep it away and fix the problems in front of us, rather than recognizing that the festering of the old is what is needed for our future where we know it or not, today or tomorrow or next year, but one day we will recognize that the future needed that past and needed that dirt to continue on the mantel and we willy-nilly swept it away, assuming incorrectly that in cleaning it we were doing the work of good and god and hope and dream, but in reality we were tricked into doing the world of evil and the devil and destruction.

So where do we go from here? I am staring at the dirt on the mantel, and with the full recognition of all the thoughts and possibilities I must consider surrounding the placement of that dirt on that space on that location of that mantel, it is obvious that the simple act of cleaning is not exactly what it is cracked up to be and that potential harm could be done through this simple act and therefore this simple act is not so simple after all and we are left with the drained mind and body pulling us away from anything and are stuck in the place questioning whether the place is really stuck or the being stuck is the right thing after all.

And with all this clutter and all this drainage and all this past and concern and mental anxiety and pain, how are we to know what is right and what is wrong, and what if, what if, after all that has been considered and debated and overwhelmed us over these many minutes and many hours and many days and many weeks and years we have stared at this clutter and this dirt and this stain, we may have been wrong in thinking that the cleaning would make things better, and oppositely what if we realize that we may have been wrong in thinking that the cleaning was wrong and that a better life awaits with a new and changed environment, one in which we cannot see now, but which could be there before us if we could only see the fullness of the reality surrounding us, and so here we are, here we are, once again, stuck in an overwhelming decision process of what could be one or two or multiple futures with possible positive and possible negative consequences of the choices we make even without all of the knowledge we would hope we would have should we make full decisions in our lives but which we end up making ill-informed choices because we simply are not fully informed and therefore we cannot make a well-formed decision and possibly making wrong decisions and so therefore perhaps it is best to make no decision at all and not doing anything at all and sit and stare at the dirt and the paper and the clutter all around us and not doing anything about it because it seems like maybe that is the thing that will save us in the future, unless of course, of course, we are simply wrong and the current clutter of the past is simply and overwhelmingly killing us in ways we simply do not see now, cannot fathom, but is obviously doing so.

And so we are stuck with our clutter for fear of what might be or what mightn’t be and we are drained from the full contemplation of these options and we are left, staring, contemplating, debating, and finally distracting ourselves from the pain of the current state of life and ignoring the choices because the choices themselves are overwhelming and we end up doing nothing about anything because it could be the right thing to do, or it could be the wrong thing to do, but the choice is too much to fathom and the clutter is too much a debate and needs to be considered further at an appropriate time in the future when it might make sense to make one decision or another but right now a right decision or a wrong decision is not known which is which and so there is nothing better to do but to do nothing and hope and dream for the best to come in the future. How are we to know what is right and what is wrong? How am I to know? How am I to know...