Well, I've been back home now for over a week. Getting surreal. I'm ready to go back to my home in San Francisco. Anymore surreality will probably make me overly crazy.

I haven't lived here in 7 years. It's hard to know who I am when I'm here anymore. Am I the Reese of 10 years ago who was busy being super-involved politically, socially, and academically on campus while dancing constantly at night in what I thought were packed gay bars? Am I the Reese of 15 years ago who was the nerd in high school, had major acne, and desperately hid my life from everyone? Am I the Reese of 20 years ago who made my parents proud by excelling in all my classes (except gym where I always did worse than everyone), sat on the couch constantly watching television, couldn't wait to be an adult so that I could get married and have eight children like the tv show, and prayed endlessly that I wouldn't be evil and horrible and gay? Or am I the Reese of today who's not sure what I'm doing, when I'll figure it out, what I'm supposed to do, or why I exist?

As I mentioned, things are getting very surreal..... It's time to get back to my current life. But what's my life about? Where am I going? I feel like I should have a management meeting with myself and create a strategic plan. But then, it's hard enough just getting through each day. How does one figure out what to do about the future?

It's late on a Thursday night here. I've just gotten home from a gay club-- actually a straight club that has an "alternative" night every Thursday. It was ok, but I'm so glad it's not my life anymore. Ten years ago it was fantastic and just about everything I wanted. But today, it seems so sheltered and bottled up and decadent and sad. I just kept thinking about how many people there were in the gay life "on the down low" and had a completely different life otherwise. I was wondering how many of their families supported them in their life. And I felt very lonely-- not just because I was out by myselt tonight, but because gay life felt lonely and separate from the rest of society. Only in San Francisco do I feel it's a part of reality, but that's not even all of the time either. I just couldn't help but feel that we were hiding in the shadows inevitably to die alone, quieted, forgotten, and lost. Is this how gay life is? Is this who I am? Is this me and my future? Why do I constantly feel such despair? Is this why I feel such despair?

I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I used to think I understood life and had answers. But now I just think how young and foolish I was. And I think how silly it is to know anything, because you can't. You can only think and wish and hope. But what is hope good for? It just seems silly now too. Life seems to just be a constant daily drudgery of repitition, depression, and anxiety. And what does it get you? Maybe a house and a dog, but only if you can work yourself to the bone, constantly beg and plead for it, and serf your life away. And who's around to be with you in this luxury? Well, if you're gay, no one. Maybe friends and family if you're lucky. But doesn't it seem like the end of the line? And doesn't it seem pointless? And don't I sound horribly anti-gay right now?

I don't know why I'm talking like this. I just think I'm feeling quite somber and depressed-- not only tonight but lately. I don't understand why and I don't have any answers. I just think I need some time and help to figure things out. But time is so full of daily drudgery. Ok, I'm going to stop now. Later.