PRIDE & SELF ESTEEM

So this Issue of the Month has been hard. (Is it April yet?) It's been hard because for a while I tried to avoid it and then lately I've been soaking in it. And now I have all my friends worried about me.

Well, jolt yourselves to reality, because this is a lot of the real me and this is the kind of thoughts I'm always thinking. I'm not good with my own feelings or my own sense of pride. I'm bad at it. I struggle daily. I didn't survive depression and then get passed it-- I made it passed the worst days but I still have it in me everyday. So I'm a great actor that smiles and laughs and tells funny jokes and thinks the world of people. And all of that is true and is me, some part of me, and yet deep down it's also not me. All of that and none of that is the problem. I am a confluence of positive and negative ideas trying to figure out which is the real me and which is the real real me.

This doesn't have to make sense. And it probably won't to many. You know, I have so many people who wish for me to lay out more of myself and my life on this blog rather than just political things, and then when I do people get upset that I'm upset. Well, this is me. I just bring a whole part of my personhood out here on the blog, just like I do with politics, that I don't really live in my life with friends and such. And I'm sorry if everyone thinks I'm now a basketcase or thinks I'm suicidal. I am the former, but not the latter, and that's the way things have been with me ever since I can remember. It's no ones fault or drama other than my own and my own psyche. I deal; I heal; I move on; and sometimes I dwell. It's hard. All the time.

Victor's right. As he said in the last post's comment, I do need to make a drastic change. And I know what that change is. But I'm scared. And everyone I know keeps telling me not to do it because they fear for me. And I understand that. But I know I need this change. I recently had two dreams burst in front of me making my decisions that much harder. But I will come out of this soon and make my changes and get better (my own sense of better) and move on. Cuz I always do. And I have to, because I am a survivor. But I never said that I wasn't a struggling survivor. Nor did I say I didn't have my low moments. I do. I definitely do. I just hide it all well. You've been on the ride with me for a couple years now, but now you can say you've really visited Reese's World.