yesterday, as chris quietly and sweetly sat at my computer for about 4 hours cleaning it of worms, resetting programs, and other things that i don't understand, and i sat there wishing i knew how to help or basically wishing i knew how to do things myself and/or wishing i knew how to properly thank him, i was reminded of the times when i was younger and my father would work on my car while i stood next to him wishing the same things and offering to hand him a tool or get him some water or something. it all makes me feel totally helpless and useless and i wish i was smarter and knew everything and could be completely independent, and yet am happy that i have friends and family who care enough to be there for me. i hate feeling stupid and useless, and yet i always get that way with cars or computers or technology or you name it. in 1994 when i left kansas city, i happily abandoned cars for urban living and haven't looked back. is it possible to abandon technology too? i think not, and i don't want to, but i wish i was smarter about it. a really big thank you to chris and jessie, but especially chris this time for so many hours of boring assistance to little ol' me, for helping me with things that i guess i should know how to do myself, but can't and don't. and a big thanks to my father and grandfather for all those years of helping me do all those car things i couldn't grasp either. i hope i can help people with other things someday. i'm just not sure how or what yet. but i want to assist in my own way, somehow.