Picture it: June 1996, Washington DC, me a skinny young 25 year-old romantic, desperate for love and attention, not yet to have my met my boyfriend-soon-to-be-ex-who-broke-my-heart-and-for-
which-I-lost-all-interest-in-romance-and-love-thereafter:
And the country has begun debating the "Defense of Marriage Act" in Congress, because the conservatives are scared that same-sex couples will start marrying in Hawaii any minute.

At that time I feel so personally touched by the marriage debate, and become increasingly angered by the politics and the climate and the debates, and write many a letter to many a legislator in DC and in Missouri to state my concerns and anger. And at that time, I write an editorial on the issue for publication in local Gay papers, which inevitably doesn't get published by any of them.

But, as the country goes through the debate in a new and exciting way nowadays, I keep thinking about that article I wrote and what I said back when and how the country is moving slowly in better directions, but definitely needs help in moving in the right direction, and there's much to work on. And I continue to think about what I felt and thought and wrote back when. And I go through my old files from DC from the mid-90's, and find my article, and it's below:


The Struggle for Marriage is Unique

I want to get married. Yes, I truly do want to get married. I want to have all the glitter and trappings of a ceremony. My parents, his parents, my friends, his friends, my relatives, his relatives, our acquaintances, they will all come and participate in the joyous celebration of the love that we have found. We will plan out a life together and commit to that goal. We will be a married couple.

I used to scoff at the very notion of marriage. “I don’t want to get married,” I used to say. “That’s such a straight thing to do.” As a young college student, I believed in a more “free” existence where I would float through life from love to love, finding joy with several people. But I’ve grown past those thoughts and, after many years of self-reflection and soul-searching, I now realize that scenario will not work for me.

I have decided to search for that special someone with whom I will feel comfortable and enjoy sharing the rest of my life. Maybe that makes me sound pathetic, overly romantic, or even conservative, but that is how I feel for my own life. Others can do what they want, but for me, this is it. And in a way, it’s rather a liberating thing to conclude.

Now if I could only find the man. With gay men and women pushed into isolated communities by the larger society, I have to contend with meeting others through the bars, the dance clubs, specially formed networks, or happenstance; these do not always provide substantive situations. With the difficulties imposed by this scenario and gay life in general, lifelong gay or lesbian relationships are especially remarkable to me. I’m hoping to be one of the lucky ones who can attain it.

I would say I haven’t yet known mutual love. I’ve looked, longed, watched, cried, debated, ignored, tried to ignore, joked, whines, grown bitter, appeared nonchalant, and wondered when and why not now. I’ve been a romantic fool wishing for love and flowers and someone to fall for. I’ve been jealous and lovelorn. I’ve even been depressed. Yet, I’ve survived and am surviving all of that. I’ve learned to enjoy my life on my own terms. I’ve discovered my own self. I’ve determined what I want for me. This is who I am as a person.

Now the country is discussing the issue of same-sex marriage and is delving into my personal life and determining for me whether or not I have the right to get married. Everyone is debating my ability to love, my ability to commit, my desire for its recognition and legality, and my hopes for a union. Furthermore, everyone is questioning even my capacity to contemplate the issue and determine what is best for my own life. Well, I can make my own decisions. I can determine if I’m in love or not. I can see if it’s a relationship that will last or not. I have the ability to commit to another human being. Trust me to live my own life.

I have spent years determining what I want as an individual and what I hope for myself. I have gone through a long process of self-examination and determination. I have given this issue fervent thought. Yet, I am given less credit, and legal standing, than an 18-year old heterosexual who gets married on a whim. They will get access to their partner’s health insurance. They will get hospital admittance, inheritance rights, and tax breaks. But, most importantly, they will receive the societal acknowledgement and trust of their decision. I will not receive any of this.

The debate over same-sex marriage is the most personal for me of all the gay and lesbian rights efforts of the day and the past because it reaches into the depths of my individuality and it rejects my self. It denies the fact that I have thoroughly considered what kind of relationship I want. It overlooks the fact that I have been searching for a partner, and ignored all the difficulties that I’ve encountered in that quest. It invalidates my ability to think and love. It denies my personhood.

Previously, the struggles for gay and lesbian equality did not really take our individuality into account. They always involved attaining equal status as an official citizen who should have the right to work, a home, private sexual relations, and political accessibility. This gave society the ability to ignore my private life while possibly accepting me tangentially.

However, this time the issue is not about separating my personal life from the larger society. This time, the issue is not about society treating me simply as a distant relative with whom it only professionally associates. This time, it’s not about my being just the “gay guy” with whom they have to work or life. This time, my personal relationship life is not being left at the door as I enter the room.

This time, it is about my being a full-fledged person with a mind and hopes and a desire for love and fulfillment. This time, it is about the recognition that I have a life beyond the formal and official ones, and that I should have equal legal and social status in this arena as well. This time, it is about my being a three-dimensional human being. This time, the discussion is extremely personal.

And that is how unique, and difficult, this debate is.

---Reese Aaron Isbell, June 12, 1996


And I read this and post this and think through what I wrote and I feel just as strongly about it all as I did then, and realize that even though I'm bitter and jaded and not as romantic as once was, I am still determined that the fight is personal and very important to me. And, yeah, I think I would still like to get married one day, with all the trimmings, because, dammit, I'm just as good as any straight person who can make that decision. And I've probably thought about it a lot more than they have. So deal with it middle-America. And watch me and my relationship be as boring and mundane as you and yours. And give me my rights, my full equal rights, because I'm just as equal a human being as you are. So there.