it's still up and down

i was feeling better sunday and some of yesterday, but then last night and earlier today were not good at all.

last night i had a meeting (a volunteer meeting that i wanted to go to in general) and i nearly didn't go because i was freaking out so much. all i kept wanting to do was run home and curl up on my couch and hide away from the world. it was pretty sad, especially since i generally want to be involved in that meeting (it's my local bay area steering committee of gays for kerry and i've been doing a lot for that group lately). i almost turned around constantly on my way there. once there, i couldn't seem to talk much and i kept hyperventilating and just wanting to leave. i spent about 10 minutes in the bathroom at one point just because my heart was racing, i was breathing heavy, and i was afraid to be out amongst the group. i made it through the meeting, but left without an after-wards meeting i was supposed to do. and i happily went home after that.

today wasn't much better as i slept most of the day in bed or on the couch not wanting to go anywhere. i did have a work meeting today and managed that, but barely, and couldn't get anything done at my office after that. only tonight am i starting to feel better.

so what's going on? i do not know and wish i could figure it out. i did call my doctor today and will be seeing him tomorrow to talk about it and meds and such. last night made me think that i was having some kind of anxiety/panic attack or something. today i just couldn't do anything. and i'm really not sure why this is happening all of the sudden now. but i'm trying to be as openly honest about it as i can on here, even if i end up worrying people, because i want to be more open in my life, and i want to share, and i want mental illnesses to be viewed more understandingly in general and that can't happen unless we survivors open up about it more. thanks for listening.