years ago when my ex deserted me i felt like i was living in some kind of bad dream. i had this terrible emptiness in my stomach. my stomach physically hurt from the emotional pain. i couldn't eat. i cried regularly every day for months. it all seemed too surreal, as if i had awoken in some kind of alternate reality-- like superman's bizarro world-- where everything was opposite to the way it was supposed to be. i wanted to go back to sleep and wake up in my reality of what i wanted to be. physically and emotionally i was a wreck and i refused to give in to the horrible reality of what was happening.

at the time, jewel's song 'you were meant for me' was very popular and i would play that song over and over and over, because i too believed that he would return any day now. i fully believed that at any moment he would call or write or email or walk back into my life with an appropriate apology, a hug, a kiss, a change of heart. i waited and cried and hoped and lived in denial and cried again about this horrible reality that wasn't of my making. it just couldn't be real.

eventually, over a great amount of time, and many friends' ears being red from hearing about my drama, and a change in my own direction, and a recognition of the reality that was, i pulled myself together. i learned a new life that i never dreamed before. and it was frankly a better life than i could have imagined. i created my own reality even while living within a bizarro world that i couldn't have earlier imagined. there were times i still longed for that dream i once had, but i came to know that these weren't a real longing for a return to the relationship, but more of a longing for the simple dreams i used to believe in. i eventually recognized all of this and became happier and stronger and better than i thought possible.

i remember telling myself during the roughest times early on, 'eventually, i'll get through this and i'll get to be strong and happy again.' that was hard to say and hear because it meant that i had to let go of my original dreams, the ones that seemed so right and beautiful, and create new dreams and hopes within my new reality. i eventually learned that it was a moment of great opportunity, in that i was able to start a clean slate and do with my life what i wanted for me instead of worrying about him all the time.

it was as if i was in art class or cooking class. and my teacher came to me and said that my piece wasn't working and i needed to start over. but i was attached to my work and i didn't want to let it go; i just wanted to try to reshape it. but my teacher took it away and gave me a new set of boundaries within to create. i initially would reject the boundaries and i would long for my original piece. but eventually i would begin to recognize how exciting it would be to create something brand new that i would never have imagined within the old boundaries. and i would thrive anew with an amazing piece that wasn't available to me before. i feel like that's how my life became after i learned to deal with the new reality of my abandoning ex. i eventually realized that i had to create my own new piece of artwork out of my life; and i did. and i'm stronger and happier and more fully realized that i ever was in the old reality. i just couldn't see it or forsee it at the time. it hurt and i hated it and i was just plain sad. but i kept my faith and kept on keepin' on. and here i am as my newly created and fulfilled me.

tuesday night, i had that terrible pit in my stomach again. i realized that i hadn't felt that horrible stomach ache since my breakup. i again refused to believe this horrible new reality, especially since i had been so invested in my hopes and dreams for my country. it was so hard to take and i wanted to go to sleep and wake up outside of bizarro world into the world i wanted. ironically, i also heard jewel's song on the radio yesterday and it again hearkened me to the time of my breakup. and as the song refers to 'dreams last so long, even after they're gone,' and waiting for that old reality to come back and make us happy again, i recognized that this again was a new beginning that i didn't see coming. it was a horrible, depressing, heart-breaking end to a reality i had hoped and dreamed of, but it was a new beginning within new constraints and i could create my own new piece of artwork that i never imagined before. i didn't want this new reality. but maybe, later, i'll realize that this was the best direction for life to go because my new art and my new life and eventually my newly realized country down the line would be better and stronger for this setback.

i don't know the answers or the reasons why the election went so horribly wrong. i don't know why my ex left me. i don't know why most things happen. but one thing i learned from the horrible time of my breakup years ago, is that life goes on and we can create life as we hope and dream even if our current hopes and dreams may turn out to have mistaken. the point is, we still have hopes and dreams and we still can create art out of scratch. i don't know what that artwork is or what it will entail and how it will become, but i know that it will be beautiful as long as we continue to create. i'm not giving up on creating the world i want to live in and the art i want my life to be. i hope you won't either.