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“Family Values”

Before I Came Out to my parents, I lived through years of worry, self-denial, and self-hatred. I feared their reaction, their possible rejection, everything. I also felt like I would be letting them down. For most of my life before I Came Out, I would have done everything in my power to make sure they didn’t know. I would have lied about it. Wait… in fact, I did lie. Constantly. I lied to them and I lied to myself. I lied to pretend. I lied to figure things out. I wasn’t lying to get-away-with-something. I was just lying for survival.

Shortly after my sister’s 17th birthday she became pregnant. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to tell my parents. Not only would she have had to go through all of the emotions and confusion I just listed about my own secret. But in a much shorter time frame. And she would have to quickly make a decision about it. No pretending for her. This was a physical change.

In the end, she did tell my parents. And, although it was a trying time for the family in dealing with a new reality, we managed and we survived. Just like they managed and survived after I told them about me and my secret. My sister and I are lucky that we have such a wonderful supportive family behind us.

Not every family is as wonderful and supportive as mine. We Queers know that many families have kicked out their children for being Queer. Or worse. We know that happens. We have friends who have been through that. We live in a society that kicks us around constantly. We know not all families are kind to their children.

And, yes, telling your parents you’re Queer and telling them you’re pregnant are two different things-- two completely different issues. As a male, I don’t mean to imply I understand the second issue at all. I don’t mean to equate the experiences necessarily. I do mean to say that I personally understand telling my parents a difficult secret. And I do mean to say that my sister and I are lucky to have such a wonderful family who listened and supported us after we told our secrets.

The abilities of families to communicate with each other are dependent upon each family. Every family is different; every family communicates in their own way. Government cannot mandate family communication. If I had been mandated to tell my family my secret before I was ready, I would have done everything in my power to not tell them for as long as possible. And I would have lied for my own protection and survival.

These are the issues I think about when people talk about ‘parental notification’ or ‘parental consent’ laws for abortion. These aren’t simple issues. Parenting is complicated; being a teenager is complicated. And each family has its own set of issues and dynamics with which to contend.

I am glad that my sister told my parents and the rest of us when she was pregnant. I definitely would have wanted to know, as I know my parents would have wanted to know. And in the end, we are all very happy to have my niece with us today.

But if my sister had not been able to tell us, if she had felt that she couldn’t go through with the responsibility, then regardless of her choices and decisions, I would want her to be safe and healthy. And what I fear, and what we know from such ‘parental’ laws around the country, is that if a conversation is forced, the teenager may find their own unsafe methods of handling the situation.

The proponents of Proposition 73 want us all to believe that teenage women who are pregnant should tell their parents about it before they make a decision. Well, you know what, I agree with them on that point. I agree that teenage women should tell their parents. What I do not agree with is that they should be forced to by the government. And what I do not agree with is the idea that they should be forced to talk to their parents if they’re not able to do so. Family communication is a personal thing among the family members and not for the government to intervene.

Yes, family communication is the ideal. Yes, we want to live in an open and honest society where everyone can be open about everything and that there are no secrets. Yes, we want our children to come to us each and every time. But here in the real world, if they can’t, for whatever reason, I would want my family and my children to be safe. And in order to be safe, I’d want them to have all the information available to go forward with making the best decisions possible.

So vote against Proposition 73. Not only because it’s the right thing to do. Not only because Prop 73 is part of the Right-Wing’s decades-long agenda to take away the right to privacy. Not only because it’s an anti-choice initiative designed to hurt women and dismantle Roe v. Wade. Not only because it’s poor public policy. Not only because if they win this they’re even more primed to promote their anti-marriage-equality initiatives next year.

Vote NO ON 73 because you and I and everyone can all agree that we want our children to be safe. And we want them to come to us when they’re ready and able. Because in the end, that’s what makes a family great. My sister and I went to our parents when we were ready and able, and because we also knew that our family would hear us out. Our family has been stronger for that ever since. And government had nothing to do with that. VOTE NO ON 73.