ok guys, take 2
for those who read my column already, i rearranged and edited it. i like it a lot better now and it reads more cleanly. take a gander at the new version below.

“Family Values”

My sister and I have a lot in common. We both had to struggle to tell our parents the truth, and to usher them through a reality that was going to be a difficult journey for us all.

Before I Came Out to my parents, I lived through years of worry, self-denial, and self-hatred. I feared their reaction, their possible rejection, everything. I also felt like I would be letting them down. I did everything in my power to make sure they didn’t know. I would have lied about it. Wait… in fact, I did lie. Constantly. I lied to them and I lied to myself. I lied to pretend. I lied to figure things out. I wasn’t lying to get-away-with-something. I was just lying for my own sense of survival.

After my sister’s 17th birthday my sister told my parents that she was pregnant. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to tell them. Not only would she have had to go through all of the emotions and confusion I just listed about my own secret. But in a much shorter time frame. And she would have to quickly make a decision about it. No pretending or ‘passing’ for her. This was a physical change.

Yes, telling your parents you’re Queer and telling them you’re pregnant are two different things-- two completely different issues. As a male, I don’t mean to imply I understand the second issue at all. I don’t mean to equate the experiences necessarily. I do mean to say that I personally understand telling my parents a difficult secret. And I do mean to say that my sister and I are lucky to have such a wonderful family who listened and supported us after we told our secrets.

And, in the end, we did both tell our parents. And, although it was a trying time for the family in dealing with a new reality, we managed and we survived. My sister and I are lucky that we have such a wonderful supportive family behind us.

Not every family is as wonderful and supportive as ours. We Queers know that many families have kicked out their children for being Queer. Or worse. We know that happens. We have friends who have been through that. We live in a society that kicks us around constantly. We know not all families are kind to their children.

The abilities of families to communicate with each other are dependent upon each family. Every family is different; every family communicates in their own way. My family was supportive enough to hear us as we told our secrets and saw us through the new realities.

These are the issues I think about when people talk about ‘parental notification’ or ‘parental consent’ laws for abortion. These aren’t simple issues. Parenting is complicated; being a teenager is complicated. And each family has its own set of issues and dynamics with which to contend.

Government cannot mandate every family’s communication habits. And government cannot make people do what they’re not ready to do. If I had been mandated to tell my family my secret before I was ready, I would have done everything in my power to not tell them for as long as possible. And I would have lied for my own protection and survival. And I may have very well killed myself rather than confronting the truth I was not yet ready to vocalize.

For a teenage woman who’s pregnant, waiting as long as possible to tell the truth is running against the clock and further complicating the issue. And for those trying to hide the truth it can result in some dangerous health risks, oftentimes including self-inflicted trauma that no one should ever have to go through.

I am glad that my sister told my parents when she was pregnant. I definitely would have wanted to know, as I know my parents would have wanted to know.

But if my sister had not been able to tell us, if she had felt that she couldn’t go through with the responsibility, then regardless of her choices and decisions, I would have wanted her to be safe and healthy. And what I fear, and what we know from such ‘parental’ laws around the country, is that if a conversation is forced, the teenager may find their own unsafe methods of handling the situation.

The proponents of Proposition 73 want us all to believe that teenage women who are pregnant should tell their parents about it before they make a decision. Well, to be honest, I agree with them on that point. I agree that teenage women should tell their parents.

What I do not agree with is that they should be forced to by the government. And what I do not agree with is the idea that they should be forced to talk to their parents if they’re not able to do so. Family communication is a personal thing among the family members and not for the government to intervene. Yes, family communication is the ideal. Yes, we want to live in an open and honest society where everyone can be open about everything and that there are no secrets. Yes, we want our children to come to us each and every time. But here in the real world, if they can’t, for whatever reason, I would want my family and my children to be safe.

So vote against Proposition 73. Not only because it’s the right thing to do. Not only because Prop 73 is part of the right-wing’s decades-long agenda to take away the right to privacy. Not only because it’s an anti-choice initiative designed to hurt women and dismantle Roe v. Wade. Not only because it’s poor public policy. Not only because if they win this they’re even more primed to promote their anti-marriage-equality initiatives next year.

Vote NO ON 73 because you and I and everyone can all agree that we want our children to be safe. And we want them to come to us when they’re ready and able. Because in the end, that’s what makes a family great.

My sister and I went to our parents when we were ready and able to do so, and because we also knew that our family would hear us out. Our parents raised us right by loving us unconditionally and letting us know that we could always come to them. We told them truths that were difficult. But our family has been stronger for that ever since. Our family values were set by our parents and came from within. And government had nothing to do with that.

VOTE NO ON 73.