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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

in salinas for gotv election weekend work. where's salinas again?

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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

so much faster to walk Alice precincts under the cover of darkness!!!

Alice event and then walking Alice precincts under cover of the night sky. it's election season. 7 days...

my grandfather to an election phonebanker in missouri: 'i don't need any of your advice, i have a grandson who gives me all the advice i need.'

I loved the girl with the dragon tattoo and now I'm absorbed in it's first sequel. it's amazing how exciting it is to turn every page

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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

The fire

As I lay sleeping, I could hear uncommon loud noises outside. Some sort of crackling. I half-dreamed it was a giant blob from the movies that was moving slowly to take over the city. Sounds of windows breaking, screams of neighbors, sirens, other noises, I could not make out what was happening.

I stirred myself awake and looked out my window. A giant wall of fire was steadily destroying my dream-state. I live in the back of my 4-story apartment building. My views outside my windows are the backs of other similiarly sized hundred-year-old San Francisco-styled apartment buildings. There are some trees and some small overgrown yards where few people tred. This is the back of buildings that the public never sees. Like a secret that only a few people share, in the middle of a metropolitan populace where all seems known, this oasis behind the public facades is my view of the world every morning.

As I stared out with my private eyes, I saw a tree and its leaves crackling only a few feet away. The building behind the tree was not a building anymore but simply a wall of flame reaching high into the sky. It all seems like something one would witness in a forest when part of the growth had caught fire. It did not seem to be part of my urban perspective.

I stood stunned in silence, with my hand over my mouth, as one is wont to do when confronted with something rather unbelievable. My cat was not silent; she growled.

I could not determine what was next. I needed a better view of this new reality to understand what was happening. I put on my clothes and shoes and coat and went downstairs, leaving my apartment door open in case firefighters needed to get inside. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not, it just seemed like it at a moment’s moment.

Once outside I could see all the streets were blocked off. Firetrucks were everywhere. I heard that there were over 100 firefighters here. I saw many news cameras and reporters speaking into them during ‘live’ segments about this massive now-four-alarm fire. I’m not sure what the difference is between three and four alarms, but it all sounded big.

As I got closer to the building that was on fire, from the front side, from the street side, I could see massive amounts of firefighters and water sprays and flames and flames and flames shooting out everywhere. And I could see my neighbors all out on the street watching and waiting and wondering.

Now that I had a personal sense of what was happening, I went back to my apartment. I turned on every news station; I listened live to every radio station, and I followed all these news station on twitter immediately. Continually refreshing. Continually flipping channels to get the latest. It was not clear to me for the next several hours if I needed to personally evacuate. The building itself was several doors down and there had been no call to do so, yet. So I was in a state of anticipation. Each time I listened to a story about this through the news it would keep saying that there were still flames and they were working hard to get it under control. And each time that occurred I would get more worried because I could not tell if this meant that it would spread to my building. I just did not know what to do other than continue to listen to the news while watching the eerie glow of dawnish colors above our rooftops.

Finally I saw the latest news which said that they had it ‘controlled.’ ‘Controlled’ became my favorite word of the day. And yet I still couldn’t calm down. I kept thinking of those horror movies where one assumes all is fine but there’s five minutes left in the movie and someone we thought was dead jumps out and changes everything back to the horror from before.

It was time for work and I got ready and determined that there was nothing left to do at my home and that all was ‘controlled’ and I needed to go to work, and perhaps being at work would help a bit. Additionally, I felt like I needed some fresh air as the entire neighborhood smelled of smoke.

I walked to my office, stopping by briefly to stare once again at the latest of the fire and its aftermath. It was now 4 hours after the fire began and there was still so much happening and I thought I still saw some sort of small fire in one of the rooms of the building being destroyed. I walked on to work knowing that there was nothing really I could do and that these 100 firefighters were doing their work and did not need me in the way gawking and worrying.

My walk to work was slow, unsteady. I called my mom; I called my grandma. I talked with them very briefly about what had happened; assuring them (even if not myself) that all was ok. I got to work and my coworkers mentioned that my clothes smelled of smoke. This was true.

I decided to make some tea as my nerves were rattling. I don’t drink tea in the morning because I need to wake up and focus and work. I drink coffee. But today I drank tea. And yet I still could not focus and I could not think and I could not calm down. I was completely on edge and worried about my home. I stayed at work for a few hours, repeatedly just watching the latest news about my neighborhood.

Mentally I knew that things were ‘controlled’ and all would be ok. Emotionally, I didn’t know anything and in fact was worried about possible new scary developments. I kept thinking of laying down on my office floor and resting. But that didn’t seem enough. Finally, I wrote (I couldn’t talk anymore in person), I wrote an email to my coworkers and said I needed to go home. I needed to be with my cat and in my bed and surrounded by my stuffed animals and my things, all my things, my things that aren’t that important but seem more important when you start to think they might be lost at any moment.

I walked back home and found myself crying. I let go and just cried for a while, on my way back home. I stopped by the building once again to see the latest and it did look ‘controlled’ but the building itself was black and destroyed and the street was blocked off with police tape and there were firefighters and trucks everywhere. And I noticed other buildings next to it had some damage too and that made me even more nervous.

I made it home, looked back out my window facing the private sections of our block and it all seemed calm. I grabbed my cat, whether she liked it or not, and I held her and held her and held her. I found an anti-anxiety pill. I knew taking a full pill would put me to sleep and I knew I needed that. I quickly swallowed. I grabbed a number of stuffed animals and put them around me on my bed. I laid a large heavy pillow on top of my eyes. And I fell quickly to sleep. My cat curled up next to me.

A few hours later after I woke, I felt slightly better. Yet I immediately looked out my window and checked all the news. Everything seemed ‘controlled.’ I got out some soup because I needed to finally eat something today even though I was not hungry. I tried to watch a movie but it was too intense and I could not focus. I tried to read a book but I could not focus. I sat and just listened to music for a while. Soft music. Calming music.

Eventually I took another anti-anxiety pill and went to bed for the night very early. I needed all that calm and sleep.

The next morning I am writing this because I have to say these things. I need to get this all off my chest so I can start my new day anew. There are now the usual morning noises outside my windows. I can read about the fire yesterday and see that it is ‘controlled’ and over now and they are planning on tearing down the building. I can see the pictures online on the news of the hollowed out building, my neighbor’s building. And I can still look around me in my own house and wonder how tenable all my ‘things’ are in my life. My chair; my computer; my pictures; my books; my history. And I’m very thankful that somehow this is all still here and all still ok and I am ok.

I always joke with my friends, from a negativist-political-perspective, that the ‘world is doomed.’ Yesterday, during this fire, I really felt like the world was doomed. It scared me more than I ever thought I could be scared; more than I would think having a fire next door could scare me. It was an overwhelming sense of calamity that I cannot fully explain in words, but that created this need to write this brief story.

I am somewhat better today. I am breathing somewhat normally. I am thinking more rationally about my building versus that other building next door. I am more comforted by having had my cat sleep with me in my own bed and my life to hold for a night again.

We never know what is going to happen in life. From year to year, day to day, or even moment to moment. And the fire reminded me just how much I want to continue living and breathing and doing the things I want to do and being with the people and animals and things that I wanted surrounding me. The fire of October 20, 2010 has torn down a building, but has begun to phoenix within me a stronger more focused self. October 21, 2010 is a new beginning.

at senator leno's all day young women's conference

greatest tape dispenser ever!!!

greatest tape dispenser ever!!!, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

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photo.JPG, originally uploaded by Reeses World.

somehow after a late night out the party continues over brunch at stacks in Hayes valley, starting... now

why is it that my computer chair is the ONLY place my cat wants to sleep and ONLY when I'm trying to use it?!

it's been decided. a new tattoo is coming soon. i know what it is; i know where it's going; i just need to find the time to make it happen. it's time to add a second tattoo to join my 5-year-old blue frog.

read 2 tremendous books while i was away in NZ: the corrections and the girl with the dragon tattoo. one thing i love about vacations is that i finally get some time to read fiction

my kitty says hello, lots and lots of hellos. I'm back! and it's a beautiful day in sf

landed in sf with a full new zealand beard and ready to get back home with my kitty