I'm going out of town. I'll be back next week.

Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy

the case of the ex....

Watching tonight's Buffy. She's confronted by her ex from two seasons ago.

I often wonder what would happen if my ex suddenly appeared in my life. Somehow, somewhere. It's happened a couple of times since our disgusting, horrible, disastrous, evil, sickening, devastating, heart-wrenching breakup nearly 5 years ago. Did I mention I'm fine?

Actually I am fine. Happy to report that even though I thought at the time that I would never survive the gut-tearing ache in my heart.... I did. I actually did. Time moved me on; not only that, but I was strong enough to move on. I made it. It's almost 5 years now and I survived. As I tried to sing to myself at the time "I Will Survive," I actually did.

Anyway, the strange occurrence of running into the ex has happened a few times since. The last time was the summer of 2000 while I was heading to a drugstore for a current-cold remedy and somehow, somewhere I ran into him. So strange. So weird. So non-important feeling. I didn't feel anything really; it was just there. I was just there; he was just there; we were just there. And we talked; we walked; we spent a few hours together, as if old friends-- or acquaintances really. We didn't speak, didn't reminisce about the difficult love that was ours years ago. We just hung; and then hugged good-bye. We haven't connected since. Well, actually, I checked in on him on September 11th last year because I worried he was in NYC; he wasn't; he was fine.

The case of the ex is closed, but will seemingly be an endless case on my shelf of life. I need to add a few new cases to that shelf; or at least one. But catching a case of this can be hazardous to my health. Well, I suppose I could use a healthy new case to infect my life with song.

This just in: Cher takes on Ashcroft!

Bush vs. the national parks, again.

It's hard to know how to feel about David Brock. He remains a symbol of a nasty era in American politics, a sinner seeking forgiveness, surrounded by the wreckage of his own ambition.

The price of trying to fit in America.

The government anti-drug policy is a big lie that is supported by a thousand other lies. My crime is that I am willing to challenge those lies.

Sorry I didn't blog too much this weekend. I was oh-so-busy and I'm simply pooped. I spent the mornings of the weekend walking precincts for Mark Leno who's coming to a legislature near Aaron soon. (Aaron, are you ready for an openly gay man to come to Sacramento?)

Then Jessie and I went down to City Hall and voted absentee since I'm leaving town this week for a work/vacation trip to Vancouver. (Aren't we all proud of Jessie for taking the time? He wasn't sure it was important since it didn't involve donuts, but he's feeling that warm sensation of public service in his heart right now-- it's public service and not heart burn I assure you. Email him and thank him profusely.)

Then this weekend included the Chinese New Year's Parade, the Castro, the park, and lots and lots of walking-- did I mention the walking involved in precinct walking? Whew, I'm very, very tired. And now I have an all-day meeting to go to this morning. I'm looking forward to this trip to get some rest.

What's most astonishing is not that this wreck occurred, but that -- time and again -- we bought the deregulation myth that led straight to it...As though under mass hypnosis, we have denied what we know in our gut: The theory of laissez-faire is a hoax.

Had a wonderful conversation with the ever-sweet and beautiful David today via the ol' long-distance phone. If only he wasn't so long-distance we could have a rockin', rompin', good ol' gay time. Alas....

Imagine what Union Square would [be] like with no billboards. It would lose its electricity. On the contrary, it would be wonderful; this guy's an idiot.

Bush and Ashcroft apparently think they are America's pastors and preachers. God help us indeed. I'm so sick of all this crap.

Here's a good article on that note with this fine excerpt: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of unbelief I fear not God. I fear John Ashcroft.

And here's more of Bush's "religious" ramblings: [Bush] called the United States "a nation guided by faith. Someone once called us 'a nation with the soul of a church.' Ninety-five percent of Americans say they believe in God, and I'm one of them."

What's on your ballot?

Never, Never, Never use Starving Students to help you move. Never. This piece (scroll down) sums up the issues well. I can personally attest to the company's horrible behavior. I moved my belongings better clear across the country by myself, then they did simply across town. They stole; they broke; they bullied; they used; they are evil. Never, never, never.

et tu google?

Why is this statement incredibly hard to believe: When Defense Department officials speak to the public they tell the truth.

And his evil continues.

Alabama apparently wants me dead.... for committing "an act so heinous that it defies one's ability to describe it." David, what say you and I go down there and not only describe it, but give 'em a little show.

Why does everything have to have a stupid corporate sponsorship?!? The Southwest Airlines Chinese New Year Parade! What the hell is that? Gag.
P.S. Jessie, it starts at 5:30p.m. on Saturday, plenty of time to sleep late. And here's the parade route.

Chris, I hear that all of your classes in San Luis Obispo are like this, or is it just your student housing?

I, too, often think that Sigourney Weaver is god-like; does that make me insane?
P.S. Looking at her bio, I note two interesting factoids: 1) she's afraid to travel in elevators (well, who isn't?); and 2) no wonder she did the awful "Alien Resurrection."

Is the U.S. the new Roman Empire?

Today is the last day to register to vote in California before the March 5th election. If you're not registered, or know someone who is not, go to www.ss.ca.gov and register today.

President Bush and the nuclear energy industry want you to believe that nuclear power doesn't produce a whiff of greenhouse gases. Too bad it's not true.

All the conservatives these days are enjoying the new book "Bias" which continues the ongoing false claim that the media is biased towards liberals and Democrats. This editorial helps clear a little of that air.

These February holidays sure are confusing.

Flag-waving is all well and good, but it's not very substantial. Voting is.

You see, people, these "religious" right leaders who are supposedly working for "morality" are really in it for the money for themselves and their corporate friends-- always have been and always will be. We just have to show them for who they really are. I especially find this quote most telling: In public policy, it matters less who has the best arguments and more who gets heard -- and by whom. So vile.

what a blah day

Jessie's worst nightmare.

If shareholders saw the video, I would hope they would see thousands of people in the parks having a good time, spending money and increasing the value of their shares.

Look! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's an interview with the Pine-Sol Lady.

Wow. ...in just one day, [Valentine's Day] secure[s] the financial future of the flower industry for the remainder of the year.

Can someone please explain to me how he got the bomb in the building? The metal detectors at the Hall of Justice entrances would not have caught the firework that went off yesterday, and the building has no devices capable of spotting explosives.

valentine's day. what crap. the plus side is that it's time for my annual viewing of this film to remind me of what I'm happily missing.

OH SH***!!!!!

I put in a quarter to receive the local newspaper, the door swung closed claiming my tie in its now-locked compartment, and I screamed "Oh, Sh***!"

OH SH****!!!! I quickly put down my bag and cellphone while still attached to the machine. Luckily, I carry extra change in my bag and was able to find another quarter after a few minutes search. I then picked up the phone again.

OH SH****!!!! My mother was on the other end of that cellphone at the exact same time I screamed. I explained to my mother what happened and she laughed.

OH SH***!!!! She then wanted to discuss my choice of words. Oh, sh***. Rarely, if ever, cursing in front of my mother before, I felt embarassed, redfaced, and very, very guilty. We discussed why I was wrong to use such language, how my siblings and I need to wash our mouths out with soap, and on and on. Yes, I'm a horrible person. My mother's off to pray for me. Oh sh***, indeed.

An interview with Larry Flynt. He's so good on free speech issues.... but then the way he talks about women leaves much to be desired.

The deregulation ideology of modern conservatism, endorsed mightily by our current president, who cited Enron as a model, holds that big business can best police itself and that government regulation is a costly intrusion....Since the election of Ronald Reagan, the apostles of an unregulated market, lavishly financed by business lobbyists, have demolished barriers to corporate greed and corruption that for most of a century had served this country well. The Enron debacle is just the most damning in a long list of evidence that the zealots of deregulation did this country, and its free-enterprise system, a terrible disservice. To say the least.....

What were you planning to do this weekend anyway?

I had an amazing day yesterday. As you know, I had the day off, even though it was in the middle of the week. There's something wonderful about having a mid-day week off; it's like a happy mistake. It's almost as if you're playing hooky, except that it's legitimate.

Anyway, it was a gorgeous sunny day here in SF and I made an impromptu plan to go to the beach, something I really should do more often. Going to the beach in SF is never really like going to the beach in L.A., because the wind makes it so cold here. Going to the beach in SF is more about the scenery, lush surrounding foliage, and hiking through the woods. While hiking the woods, on the cliffs overseeing the ocean, I came upon a beautiful isolated location with the Golden Gate Bridge in direct view. Marvelous view, beautiful weather, and complete isolation on the edge of a dramatic drop to the rocks.

What is it about being around nature that always makes one ponder life? It must be an innate feeling of humility, an attempt to see oneself as part of that nature, with a sense of awe. (I suppose it's a sense of "ahh" as well.) I sat up there for an hour or so, actually relaxing, and contemplating my life. That's not an easy task. My biggest difficulty in life is making decisions, I realized. With so many possible directions to go, I have a hard time deciding, in part because I don't have a strong desire for any direction. In the end, I just go with the flow. While this may sound loose and fancy-free, it sometimes restricts me to the situation of the moment without providing me with an overall definition of what I want out of life. I decided I wanted more out of life.

With those thoughts, I began to write down (yes, write down on a pad of paper) actual, practical activities that would help develop and nurture my life. While still going with the flow in general, this would help motivate me in directing that flow to fit myself. I wrote, "Things I want to do" and listed the following:
Spanish Class: not to master and make myself feel like a failure, but to enjoy and learn slowly over a period of time. the object is the taking of the class and the education process.
Gym: continue regular gym attendance. not to master or for major muscles, but to enjoy and gain health and fitness over time. the object is regular excersize and enjoying overall fitness and health.
Yoga Class: not to master but to try it out. the object is to relax and enjoy and learn.
Meditation Class: not to master but to try it out. the object is to relax and also find time for myself to reflect and process and nurture my *self*.
Lower Debt: not to end completely this year, but to gradually lower it. reduce spending and pay off continually to lower debt and at some point cut credit card spending.
Home buying: not to buy this year, but to learn more about the process, what I need, and contemplate where and what to buy in the future.
A Dog: not to obtain until I have a purchased home.

Do you sense a theme? I did. One of the most important things I came away with yesterday was the sense of not trying to be perfect. I have a tendency to always want to perfect and master everything. This tendency leads to a sense of failure because I never feel good enough. I'm glad I realized this and I will try to simply enjoy the process itself, versus trying to finish and win the race immediately.

Writing these things down, spending the time to actually contemplate what I want, giving of myself to my *self*, allowed me to actualize what I want. This is something I've been needing for a long time, and I have a chance day off to thank for it. What is it about nature that makes one think about life? I don't know all the answers; I'm just glad I had the opportunity.

Sounds like a good movie rental idea: IN JOHN Frankenheimer's brilliantly creepy 1966 film, "Seconds," a wealthy but aging businessman turns his body and soul over to a shadowy "organization" that offers a kind of fountain of youth via faked deaths, plastic surgery and new, hip identities.

Democrats see their own support for Bush's approach to terrorism being repaid by a brazen effort to strip the federal Treasury of resources for a generation and to create a permanent tilt in American politics toward the right.

Through the magic of state employment, I have today (a Tuesday) off for Lincoln's Birthday. I also have Presidents' Day off on next Monday. Ah, the joys of state. Can't wait for Cesar Chavez day coming up next month! To all those who don't get to enjoy these important historical holidays I have only one thing to say: Suckers!

New biography on Bush says he's largely unaware of culture — high, pop and maybe even yogurt. Very funny.

Cell phones have taken over. (Remember, Jessie, when you used to refuse to get one. Tell us, what would you do without it now? Huh, huh?)

We can't kill people just because our president's speech writer thought up a catchy name to call their countries.

This country could have a great rail system, providing more options for travel and allowing easier access to many locations. If they'd only fund it.

Good media strategy.
Also, on Ashcroft, it scares me to think how long it took me to realize this was a joke and not the real thing-- because it's so close to reality.

Once again, the Bush Administration has found a way to redistribute income -- upward.

Asked why the right wing despises him so, [Clinton] answered simply,
"Because I won."
So true.

The TV commercials should depict not top-form athletes but overweight, drunken spectators waddling around the Olympic Village.

Coming out thoughts amid Rosie: My heart raced: What should I say? Should I tell them? I decided to focus on my job as an editor, the decisions and processes occupying every day that have nothing to do with sexuality. Then I added, "And I write a column on gay issues every week or two," surprised it had been so difficult. The "coming out" never seems to stop. But we have to keep it going.

The Bush budget vs. reality.

Ok, I can't believe I'm saying this..... but, I actually had a wonderful time at the party. I'm so glad I went. And it was really hard getting there because it was so much easier to just go home and avoid-- avoid people, socializing, thinking.

I ended up running into several people I've known over the years I've lived in SF and mingled with them. I even met some new people. The party was about 300 and full of mostly gay men in their 30's. Perfect meat market, but without a lot of the annoying bravado of the Castro or clubs.

The evening ended with my dining with two close friends from my entre to SF two years ago. Eric and Mitch were there for me in the summer of '99 when I moved across the country. They allowed me to crash at their place for my first two weeks in town, with all my junk. And I pretty much used their house, in the Castro, as base camp for three months until I got settled. Very wonderful, sweet gay male couple. And, sadly, we haven't seen much of each other since. But tonight we ran into each other at the party, reconnected, and followed by having a wonderful dinner with a friend of theirs-- more new people for me. Wonderful evening. Sometimes things can work out afterall.

Ok, here's my big secret. Or at least one of them.

I recently realized that I don't have that many close friends here in SF. I've only lived here for 2 1/2 years so it's not surprising, but it's also not as good as it could be. In my first year here I obviously got very close with Jessie, but once he accumulated a boyfriend a year ago and became less and less available, I have noticed how few people I'm close to here. Things have begun to pick up over the last few months and I've gotten closer to a couple of people, but it's still not enough to make me feel connected.

So with this in mind, I'm off to a party tonight. Let me be clear: I HATE PARTIES, especially ones of the 200+ nature. But it's a political party supporting my favorite candidate, so it's a good cause. But most importantly, I'm pushing myself to go because I want to meet more people in this big ol' city. I need to meet more people. Plus there will obviously be a lot of young gay guys there, so that's a definite plus too in the meeting of men department. But I mostly just want to meet more people to develop more friendships down the road.

If only I didn't hate meeting people, mingling, socializing, schmoozing, partying, pretending, being happy, and so forth all the time. Ugh, it'd be so much easier just to go home and watch the Simpsons.

Ok you photographer wannabe's, learn how you can use your force for good, and not evil, by taking pictures of facial deformities.

Bush stiffs NYC. Mr. Bush reiterated his promise to provide $20 billion [to New York City] — just in time to have another photo op with New York police officers and firefighters. But the money is still not in the budget.

But how did the "war on terrorism" change focus so quickly from rooting out and punishing the perpetrators of 9-11 -- a task that is still incomplete -- to doing something (what?) about nuclear proliferation?

Rosie's coming out! Err, hopefully. ...O'Donnell doesn't make a big deal about "coming out" in [her new book] "Find Me": "She's very matter-of-fact about it." Matter of fact indeed.

Just got done watching the PBS magazine-show "Frontline" on "American Porn". Difficult show to watch actually, because I'm not sure what to take from it. It seemed to want to say on the one hand that it's all mainstream and then on the other hand show the furthest outreaches of the porn industry and ask if that's where we are in society. I'm bothered by that analogy, because I don't think it's that simplistic. But I'm more fearful of all the legal prosecutions they were predicting from Ashcroft-- ones that were coming in the fall of 2001 but got postponed by Sept. 11. A crackdown on the porn industry is apparently imminent, with Ashcroft with the whip. A scarier thought for our American freedoms is hard to imagine-- regardless of the porn aspect of it.

Everything's coming up PORN..... what with tv shows, new theaters, the internet, and now the new gay center in town will be named after the founder of a gay porn studio.

Side note: I am so angered by that latter announcement. Regardless of the porn aspect, the fact that they've determined that the name of the center belongs to the highest bidder is beyond appalling. They could have very easily kept it as "The Center" or named it after one of many important historical members of our community who's contribution was helping to enrich our freedoms. To name it after a porn manufacturer solely because his estate gave a million dollars leads me to believe that those running the Center have lost touch with the fact that the Center was supposed to be a place for all-comers to mingle, work together, and build ourselves up-- not just a rich-boys club! And another thing.... (don't get me started on this subject, I'm just too too mad.)

Bush may have just visited and praised your program, but behind the scenes he's cutting the budget which supported it. I especially liked this quote from one of the youth: How can the president say this is the land of opportunity when he's cutting back on that opportunity?

We cannot let the critical matter of extending health coverage to pregnant women spiral into an abortion debate. This is an issue behind which all of us can and must unite....Unfortunately, the administration's solution...would set up a long regulatory and legal process and a battle over abortion rights in virtually every state. It would create controversy where none need exist, as well as posing puzzling medical questions.

Sometimes politicians can be amazingly hot; and then othertimes, well, let's not go there.

Why am I only now learning about this Leslie Kwok guy? Wow, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful man.

Ernie, why didn't you tell me beforehand? You need to keep me updated on things like this. Ok? hehe.

President Bush is using his widespread popularity, a result of the easy rout of the Taliban, to shore up a domestic agenda that most voters find too conservative. The latest example of that is Bush's nomination of a right-wing extremist, Charles Pickering, for the federal bench in New Orleans....U.S. jurisprudence came too far in the late 20th century to allow it to lapse back into a time when Pickering's prejudices reigned.

Yes! It dawned on me . . . no woman had ever sat there in that capacity before.

Jessie's got some new photos up, with pictures of me intermixed. I especially like the one of me gaining weight by the minute while eating wonderful dim sum.

Looking for something to listen to this morning for my commute to work, I pulled out the old Def Leppard album Hysteria. It's been a while since I'd listened to it, but it was one of the largest albums of my high school tenure. I know every beat, nuance, and grunt by heart, embedded somewhere deep in the back of my brain. I'd say I know every word, except that I never could understand what he was saying. I used to make up whole lyrics out of soundalikes that I still can sing to this day, obviously having nothing to do with the real lyrics. Regardless, it was a fun remembrance of my youth. I can still remember sitting on the tall stool next to the old, crusty topped bar that served as my closet of my room in my parents' basement, busily doing my homework all spread out over the bar while listening to the album and singing along. Yes, I was a BIG Def Leppard fan.

Side note: Listening to their song "Gods of War" (which I used to insist was entitled "Miracles" because that's what I thought they were singing but have since learned they were singing "Here it comes" during the chorus) I was confronted with their use of Reagan's voice during several segments of the song and his passages about taking on terrorists and that America would not back down and stuff like that. The album was from the mid-80's, you know. It reminded me so much of our current situation and sounded so similar to Bush's stances and sayings these days. And now we're again creating a large military build-up and fighting terrorists. So it's the 80's all over again, complete with the television show out to remind us of our haughty days. Why do I feel myself cringing now? Ah, but, let's get back to the music.

Congress enacted CHIP in 1997. Now it should move promptly to extend the program to cover prenatal care. There is no reason for legislators to wait for the new ""unborn fetus'' regulation to go into effect -- assuming their real goal is to provide health care for pregnant women.
But assuming that is foolhardy:
Whether or not the administration intended a sneak attack on abortion rights, the fact is the move is irrelevant. In case you hasn't noticed, CHIP is running out of money.... What difference does it make if you declare poor women are eligible for prenatal care when the whole program is broke? Just put the "unborn child" on the waiting list with everyone else, soon it will be a born child, also unable to get health insurance, thus saving us all a lot of pointless debate.

Well bless my soul! Gerard is finally back up and running, with a whole new redesign to boot. He's always fun to watch... I mean, read.... especially when he's describing his intimate shower techniques.

Jessie, what say you and I put together a new redesign of my webpage this weekend? I've been thinking of some ideas. You didn't have any plans anyway, right? hehe

Reason #11 I left the midwest: Winter Storms.

It would seem that after last week's major ice/snowstorm that hit the midwest, my parents still do not have power. This is almost a full week after the storm hit. They've been staying at my grandparents' house, luckily with power, since last Wednesday. Even our dog is at Grandma's. Now, mind you, we've had some winter storms rolling through the Bay Area here over the last couple of months, but excessive rain and relative freezing cold, for this area, is nothing compared to below zero tempartures, ice storms, lack of power, and indoor dry heat. Make that Reasons #12, 13, 14, and 15 too.

Hilarious article on ways to conduct a cheap date. (Now this has nothing to do with the post below.... oh, the irony.)

Could it be with me?

Been going over resumes today at work for the position of one of my assistants. Bizarre thing to do. I feel very strange holding the potential future of people's lives in my hands. I keep thinking of whether these people have food to eat, children to feed, rent to pay, etc. It's hard to feel burdened with those thoughts.

It also becomes glaringly obvious that some people have no idea how to respond to an advertisement. First of all, who sends in a resume without a cover letter? Secondly, why would anyone completely misspell words on their materials? Or write sentences that have no verb? After a while I ended up looking for the wrong things-- like people who could help me in my personal life. Now that's not what you think. I mean, like, one woman was a certified massage therapist. Another was a Spanish tutor. And another provided individual financial counseling. And then there were the obviously gay male resumes.... hmmm, I wonder.... Well, you get the idea. Anyhoo, I have about 100 resumes to go through. A lot from internet/tech companies, as one would assume. What to do, what to do.

Ever since the early 90's when I first saw the wonderful and ever-witty movie Without You I'm Nothing by Sandra Bernhard I've always kinda had this inkling of drinking a Remy Martin whilst sitting in a dark bar listening to tearful jazz music. I was close to ordering that when I went to the Top of the Mark on Saturday night, but got nervous-- not knowing what a Remy Martin is, tastes like, whether they had it, you know, stupid fears. But just the thought of hearing Sandra talk about her "remy martaaaaan" makes me smile to this day. Maybe one day.

The history (and I really mean HISTORY) of depression. Why am I not surprised it's written by another depressed gay man dealing with his sexuality.

A car that ran on electricity within the city, but then kicked into gas-mode for longer drives-- what a great idea! I'd totally use that. But then, they're not really making them now are they, even though they have the technology. Stupid.

If only he were doing this without his...err, helmet...on.

Now I'm just a strange unshaven older guy in a baseball cap, walking in and out, cursing at the computers. Aren't we all, David, aren't we all.

WONDERFUL WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!

Wow, we're all just tiny specs.

Challenging the conservative grand strategy won't be easy. But failing to challenge it means any serious pursuit of social justice could be deferred for a generation.

Interesting article on the views of some representatives of minority populations on the "war on terrorism."

Hey guys, I kinda took the weekend off. Sorry I wasn't posting.

I did one thing I've always wanted to do this weekend: I went to the Top of the Mark Saturday night and had a drink. Was it worth it? Not really, unless one enjoys older straight white folks shaking their booties to muzak with jazz/pop leanings, but I can at least say I did it.

Mostly, I spent a lot of the weekend watching likeable, yet mostly unmemorable, movies: Lantana in theaters; Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (props to my far-away-crush for recommending); Separate Tables. As you know, I'm one to watch old movies from time to time; they give me a sense of history, place, time, and frankly are usually much better than the crap that current Hollywood sequel-engineering machine pops up. I nearly rented Soylent Green just because it keeps coming up on the Simpsons, but really couldn't stomach watching Charleton Heston in hero-form.

Two nights ago in his State of the Union Address, President Bush declared respect for women to be non-negotiable. How hypocritical then, is his administration's announcement today that effectively relegates women to second-class status.

Bush Policy on Releasing Records Differs in Case of Clinton Ones

Again, it speaks for itself.