I miss my friends! I miss them terribly. I got a call tonight from my dear friend Nathan, who I haven't had the chance to talk to for any real length of time in so long. Nathan's my great friend whose wedding I participated in a year ago in Savannah, Georgia. Below is a picture from that wedding of us and his wife Julia:


Anyway, I miss my friends. Talking with him tonight was really nice and brought back memories and old times. I don't get to hang with any of my Washington, DC friends anymore. It's like this whole world of people that I'm very close to and yet so far away from. When does close friendship go from everyday hanging, chatting, dinners and movies every weeknight and weekend, to months/years going by and you just don't have it as a priority to pick up the phone anymore and call? There's so many people in DC, New Jersey, Missouri, and throughout the country (and world for that matter) that I miss and wish I could chat up and hang and watch a movie with and give a hug to and make funny jokes with and not have it be just for a short vacation or a special trip for, but just our everyday life we used to have in that time and place when we were closer, physically and mentally. Why do we have to be so far apart?

It's everyday and it's ongoing. We must get him out of office next year.

Music news: Nina Simone dies; Sinead O'Connor retires; Madonna's new album is good, but not great, but much better than most of the crap that's out there, but not her best work and so now everyone is bashing her, sad. Difficult music time.

Xenophobic name-calling? Is that where the campaign will look like? It's a year and a half away and this is how it's beginning? Disgusting.

Guns and Tobacco. Two DEADLY, DEADLY, DEADLY industries, that the Bush Administration and Republicans are doing everything they can to help destroy more lives.

"Instead of leading international efforts to reduce tobacco use, the Bush administration has repeatedly obstructed the development of a tough international tobacco control agreement. That is unacceptable. We can and must do better."-- House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-San Francisco.

"This is a dreadful bill. I don't know why the gun industry should be given a special safe harbor."-- U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein, D-California.

Who's working to destroy lives and who's working to save them?

When I was a teenager, I had terrible acne. When I was in college, I had terrible acne. When I was a young adult, I had terrible acne. When I got into my mid-twenties, I had terrible acne. At age 27 I went to see a dermatologist and said something seemed to be wrong with me. Why did I still have terrible acne? (It was never like some of the horror stories out there where it's all consuming, but it was constant and consistent and made me feel terrible. There were days when I simply wanted to hide in my house because I felt I looked just so terrible. Acne is a traumatizing disease.)

So, my dermatologist agreed that I had a recurring acne problem and prescribed Accutane for me for about 6 months in 1997. The stuff was like a miracle drug. It cleared up my skin like nothing else I'd tried. To this day I have much, much, much clearer skin than I ever knew was possible for me. It totally changed my outlook and my own sense of self. It was wonderful.

So I'm not sure what to make of this article detailing the possible depressive side-effects of the drug (although I do feel the article was a bit overdramatic and not being completely even-handed in its assumptions and biases). I was given those same warning when I took the drug, but I didn't suffer any depressive episodes at that time (although I was also on Prozac for my OCD, so that may have buffered me). I have always viewed Accutane as this great savior, and it was for me, and I hope it will be for others. As with any drugs, there are side-effects, I just hope that suicidal/depression isn't such a major one for some people who take Accutane.

More analysis furthering my point about the media and who they choose to dain newsworthy-- as discussed in my earlier rant.

MONEY

I haven't forgotten my daily duty this month, I've just been very busy as you know with work. But here's my latest update. I only have two more days of this before the new Issue of the Month, but I'll still use this information and continue in my own way to monitor my spending for better financial health.

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO? (continued)
April 17th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Jamba Juice $3.95
Water $2.00
Total: $7.20

April 18th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Lunch $8.00
Dinner $11.00
Total: $20.25

April 19th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $2.00
Pet Toy: $4.33 (and Amaya just loved it too)
Groceries: $14.93
Total: $21.51

April 20th cash outlay:
News $1.50
Coffee $2.00
Groceries: $73.54
Laundry: $8.50
Lunch (yummy dim sum): $8.00
Total: $93.54

April 21st cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Lunch $9.00
Tailor: $268.00
Transportation: $20.00
Total: $298.25

April 22nd cash outlay:
News $0.25
Hotel Tip $5.00
Total: $5.25

(Note: As I was living in the hotel via my work's conference, I got to live off my office for a few days, so my personal expenses were way down from the 22nd through the 25th.)

April 23rd cash outlay:
Total: $0

April 24th cash outlay:
Total: $0

April 25th cash outlay:
Total: $0

April 26th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $2.00
Lunch: $6.25
Movie: $8.75
Music: $32.53 (Have to get the new Madonna album, you know)
Total: $49.78

April 27th cash outlay:
News $1.50
Lunch: $15.00
Batteries: $9.75
Videos: $8.00
Groceries: $6.93
Total: $41.18

April 28th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $2.00
Chiropractor: $40.00
Transportation: $28.00
Massage: $40.00 (post conference present; I deserve it, plus a really cheap one too)
Haircut: $20.00
Dinner: $9.00
Groceries: $5.39
Total: $144.64

"I hope a state goes bankrupt," said Grover Norquist, a prominent conservative strategist who works closely with the White House.

Can the Bush Administration get anymore disgusting? A state going bankrupt is a terrible disaster. I wish Mr. Norquist could see the people who will be affected by this type of tragedy. Schools are closed, health care is shelved, crime grows, basic government services (often taken for granted) are decimated. Just look at this article here for an example of the catastrophies he's minimizing. These types of stories are in the paper EVERYDAY and the Bush Administration is simply closed off from it all, hoping that the worst will happen so that they can further their own right-wing agenda. Disgusting. And now, they're blatantly not listening to the public anymore. How much more disgusting can they get? How much longer will the American public put up with this crap?

Leaving my organization is quite hard and terribly sad. Despite my anger and bitterness over the take-over of our operations and the after-effects of the coup d'etat, I still love my organization's members throughout the state. And the last week has been wonderful as people learned of my departure and I saw many of them at our 3-day conference. I've been receiving emails and calls from my members absolutely shocked at my departure (most don't necessarily know about or understand the coup) and saying the nicest things about me and my relationship with them.

Throughout the conference I was constantly given hugs and hand-shakes and warm embraces and asked "why are you leaving us?" and "where are you going?" and told "but we need you" and "wish you the best" and "let me know if I can help" and so forth. (I even had one woman come up to me, after asking about my next job and finding out that I don't have one yet, exclaiming "you quit a job without having another one already lined up?" I said, "wow, you sound just like my mother." She said, "can you tell I'm a mother too?" I said, "tell me i'm 'not a spring chicken anymore' and you are definitely a mother.")

And then to receive that award in front of 300 of them and to get strong applause and thanks, very nice. It's heartwarming to feel so wanted and needed by people you work with. And it's especially nice coming from a field of work to which is a bit outside my normal career area-- it means to me that I can fit in and do good work wherever I choose.

So I will try to hold onto these positive thoughts and remember the good times, and try not to think further about the negative aspects outside of my control. I will take with me the knowledge that I did a good job, that I'm well-liked as a person and my work is appreciated, and that I am a strong and accomplished person on the whole.

My organization gave me an award today during our main ceremony to note my departure. So nice of them. And it's a beautiful award piece. I'll take a webcam pic of it this weekend when I get back home so ya'll can see. I'm gonna miss working with them.

I probably will not be able to update much this week as I am off to spend the week organizing and running my organization's major statewide 3-day conference this week in Oakland. I'll post when I can. But it's gonna be a busy week and I'm not sure when I'll see a computer. See ya!

No offense meant here. Really, no offense. Especially no offense meant to those who are very much interested in a specific media case that many are following. But it always galls me when the media decides that a specific killing/murder/criminal activity is more worthy of intense media coverage than all the others out there. And, without a doubt, the media coverage is always on some beautiful, very white, upper middle class family or person who looks "American" and "next-door" and was "good" and "religious" and "wholesome" and whose family has enough money to hire a public relations team. Two hundred people can be gunned down in an urban city and it's no news, but a lily white woman is missing and it's national news. I mean, where is the prioritization coming from? This link proves my point. This is one of the reasons why I never really pay attention to the criminal issues that the media are harping about usually, because I know that they are always biased as to the point of view and what "reality" they're trying to impart. I feel sad and hurt that the well-known media crimes happens and wish the best for their families. I just wonder why no one seems to care about the non-well-known families and victims. Were they less worthy of noting?

PRIDE & SELF ESTEEM

“All I want out of this is for me and other gay students to be able to go to school without being preached to and without being expected to lie about who we are,” said Thomas McLaughlin, 14 year old student in Arkansas. "My school forced me out of the closet when I should have been allowed to come out to my family on my own terms and when I thought it was the right time. And now the school has been trying to shove me back into it ever since," McLaughlin said. "I’m through with being silenced, and I don’t want this happening to other gay kids at my school."

Times when religious ceremonies go absolutely too far. Very disturbing.

I'm pretty proud of my productivity this weekend. I cleaned like a madman. I swept the floors, vaccumed the carpet and rugs, washed the dishes, did the laundry, washed the pet's laundry (her sleeping areas), even cleaned the frig, and went to the grocery store. Whew.

What is the next step, and the future, of the current anti-war movement?

PRIDE & SELF ESTEEM

More acknolwedgement and understanding of the dramatic social and psychological burden inflicted by a homophobic society needs to be factored into the equation of what its like to be Gay. Without that we will never fully comprehend the ramifications of such a hate-filled milieu, and the reasons why things are.

My head hurt as I watched him write in my chart "patient states he is homosexual."

To an outside observer, it may seem strange that a subset of a community that is surviving AIDS appears to be killing itself. They may not know that as kids, many gay men felt oppressed, ostracized or ashamed of liking guys. As young adults they desperately crave acceptance. They enter a party scene predicated on rejection -- for not being "cool" enough, cute enough, thin enough, etc. Crystal, which at first makes a user feel powerful and attractive, eases their fears.

Why have I never read this guy's blog before? Maybe I'll meet him soon as he is joining a meeting of bloggers when Jeff comes to town. That would be cool. Plus they both look pretty cute. hehe

I do hope he gets better. I really do love his voice and his music-- reminding me now that I must get some of his greatest hits records. I just wish he'd come out finally. Come'on already! But I've also always believed that it's up to the individual to make those decisions so I respect, even if I disagree with, his decision to stay closeted. (I recognize by discussing this I'm participating in an "outing," but, pahleeze, everyone already knows, and no one really reads this site anyway. So there.)

AIDS/HIV

If we can't be serious and realistic about the science in fighting AIDS, then we're going to have more people infected and more deaths. How much longer must we pretend? How much longer will we put up with this crap from the Bush Administration? If people feel intimidated and start clouding the language they use, then your mind starts to get cloudy, and the science gets cloudy.

U.N.Plaza in San Francisco is a mess. I used to work in the middle of the disgusting disaster area and it needs to be cleaned up.

I've been meaning to respond to Chris' post about finding Buffy after all these years. I made the same jokes and ridiculed the show over the first couple of seasons too, without ever watching it. And then, I caught it once during the third season and saw what I was missing. Now I'm one of those people who own the DVD's and watch every episode religiously, even if they aren't as exciting as they used to be. The end is in a few weeks and it will be sad. But it's also time. Here's to you, Chris, on having a great time catching up on all the fun.

Can one just dismiss years in the Midwest as a protracted lapse in theater attendance?

From the moment that statue of Saddam hit the ground, the mood around the Rumsfeld campfire has been all high-fives, I-told-you-sos, and endless smug prattling about how the speedy fall of Baghdad is proof positive that those who opposed the invasion of Iraq were dead wrong.
What utter nonsense. In fact, the speedy fall of Baghdad proves the anti-war movement was dead right.
The whole pretext for our unilateral charge into Iraq was that the American people were in imminent danger from Saddam and his mighty war machine. The threat was so clear and present that we couldn't even give inspectors searching for weapons of mass destruction -- hey, remember those? -- another 30 days, as France had wanted.
Well, it turns out that, far from being on the verge of destroying Western civilization, Saddam and his 21st century Gestapo couldn't even muster a half-hearted defense of their own capital....
The anti-war movement did not oppose the war out of fear that America was going to lose. It was the Bush administration's pathological and frantic obsession with an immediate, damn-the-consequences invasion that fueled the protests.

Fake deaths.

Para ti. Feliz cumpleanos mi amigo. Nos vemos otra vez mas pronto, ok?

Everything is spin. Look at these three headlines focusing on the exact same poll on Senator Boxer's reelection odds:

"Boxer in front early over GOP foes; Poll results show senator faces, as always, uphill battle"

"Support for Boxer sliding, poll says"

"In California, Boxer's Support Drops"

What's the poll actually say, you decide.

We're melting, melting! The price of living is this area of the country is a definite reason I would want to leave too. But I just so LOVE living here so that's an option that's not very fun.

MONEY

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO? (continued)
April 10th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $2.00
Jamba Juice $3.50
Dinner $8.00
Total: $13.75

April 11th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Chiropractor $40.00
Coffee $2.00
Drinks $5.00
Bagel $3.00
Dinner $6.00
Movie Rentals $6.00
Total: $62.25

April 12th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Movie Rentals $6.50
Groceries $23.97
Total: $30.72

April 13th cash outlay:
News $1.63
Coffee $1.75
Juice $3.50
Total: $6.88

April 14th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Dinner $11.00
Total: $12.25

April 15th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Transportation $28.00
Coffee $1.00
Jamba Juice $3.50
Total: $32.75

April 16th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Jamba Juice $3.50
Movie $9.75
Total: $14.50

The neverending war and how it helps Bush and Republicans politically, especially by just worrying and scaring the Democrats into submission. But many also realize that his support may only be there via war and when it comes to issues like the economy and other domestic concerns, there's definitely room to beat him in 2004. Never give up hope. That's what they want. They want to seem invicible. They're not.

This poll seems awkward. Why is the question: "If the 2004 presidential election were being held now, who would Californians most likely support?" That's not asking who would "you" support. That's asking what they feel about the view of the state as a whole. Either the question is improperly written in the paper today, or it's a bad poll and I wouldn't trust it based upon the results they're claiming in the article.

I really want to see this movie. Boys? I wish we could watch it with David since I know he'd truly appreciate it.

Days like these are days I remember why I quit my job.

Aaron, dear sweet man that he is, sent me a fabulous job opportunity last night because he's awesome and cares about me. Thank you Aaron. As for the rest of you, as Janet says, what have you done for me lately? Waiting.... ;-)

We're all going to be taken over and devoured by micro-robots! See the horror! Feel your spine tingle! Worry yourself to death!

As the war began, members of the House of Representatives gave speech after speech praising our soldiers, and passed a resolution declaring their support for the troops. Then they voted to slash veterans' benefits....
....the House voted to cut the benefits of the men and women it praised a few minutes earlier. What that scene demonstrated was the belief of the Republican leadership that if it wraps itself in the flag, and denounces critics as unpatriotic, it can get away with just about anything. And the scary thing is that this belief may be justified.
For the overwhelming political lesson of the last year is that war works — that is, it's an excellent cover for the Republican Party's domestic political agenda. In fact, war works in two ways. The public rallies around the flag, which means the President and his party; and the public's attention is diverted from other issues.

Why is it so hard to get a job in the world of youth programs?! I have direct experience; I have skills; I have know-how; I have desire; I have lower salary expectations; I have hope. And still, nothing works... This is all so frustrating. My kingdom for a chance!

So I actually pick up a copy of the San Francisco Examiner today. It's sad that it's no longer a great daily paper like it used to be. ("But "used-to-be's" don't count anymore, they just lay on the floor til we sweep them away"... (extra points for the reader who knows where that quote is from)). Anyway, now the paper is pretty much just a daily rag with occasionally some interesting local talk, but I picked it up because the cover story was on rent control issues, something I'm always interested in watching. While the article itself wasn't that exciting, I did run across this article on my favorite football star ever. That and a very cute picture of him beside the article made it all worth while.

Great editorial from the New York Times: The yearning to right wrongs has a noble tradition in American foreign policy, and few could oppose those portions of the Bush doctrine that would extend the benefits of freedom, democracy, prosperity and the rule of law to the far corners of the globe. Unfortunately, these goals were overshadowed by an arrogant, go-it-alone stance and an aggressive claim to the right to use pre-emptive action against threatening states..... A doctrine that purports to spread happiness, but ends up spreading resentment, is not working, no matter how many statues come tumbling down. That is why it is especially important now to show that the United States also has the confidence and wisdom to sheath its sword until it is really needed.

On to the next war.... even before this one is done.... Now that there's a vacancy on the axis of evil, is Syria a good candidate? Always room for more war and more "evil" for this administration....

Are mall security guards suddenly becoming more and more the secret police?

Leslie, that great Woman of the World, sends us another report from her Kenya Peace Corps assignment:

"This last month has been so crazy!!! I think I am on one giant emotional roller-coaster! I have finally settled down here in Mombasa and have begun to look at the positive side of life here. My job is great, which keeps me motivated to stay. Each time I visit the island I work on I am reinspired to work here. It is fantastic, time stops when you step off the boat onto the coral lined shores. The women are motivated and so friendly and our relationship is constantly growing. There is peace and tranquility in the air on Wasini. It is wonderful to feel so relaxed, especially with all the news about the war.

"Speaking of war..... It is almost surreal to me with the video game/super bowl type of reporting that is going on. The insanity of the war is enough to cope with, the last thing I need is a play by play one-sided account of what's taking place. Does anyone know what is really going on?? It may sound crazy but I kinda wish I was back in Jordan, I would like to know how the people living in the area really feel about the war and about everything that is being played out in the region. Not to mention that aljizera is shown there. Right now I only receive the BBC and CNN.

"Here things are really calm, though the US government seems to think that there is a big threat here. I haven't experienced any anti American sentiment. There was one protest in Mombasa, one in Nairobi and one day of fasting. All the protests have been peaceful, the protests in Australia expressed more anger than those here. I don't hang around the Mosques on Fridays after 12, but I do still live my life according to plan. Peace Corps was a bit afraid for our safety in the start of the war so they pulled us coasters inland to Naivasha, where my training was. Nice little vacation up country for a few weeks, hey its uncle Sam's dime so why not. I felt that it was a little over the top but I guess there was certain inteligence that prompted PC to act accordingly.

"They finally sent us home a week ago. It really feels like home here now. The only thing our little vaykay did for me was to give me an appreciation for where I live. It really is so beautiful on the coast, though it is so so hot right now. The rains are coming (yahoo!!!) so hopefully things will cool down. I get to go back up to Naivasha for three weeks of training.. keribu cold weather!! So I am on the move yet again!

"I saw a baby giraffe the other day, it was so cute!! It couldn't stand very well so it just kinda did the splits. I think I have been doing the same thing only now I seem to have one foot on the ground.

"Hope you are all doing well!
Take care,
Leslie"

I know you've noticed that I hardly do quoting of news much these days. Well, it's because, as I've said before, that the newspaper is so unexciting to read lately. It's all war war war war war all the time and I feel sad and dejected and disgusted and I don't have much to comment on. So instead of lots of quotes and such, you get long diatribes from my life. Que diferente.

Pet peeve of the day: Why do people think that the subway is a giant trash can? Granted, they had to remove all the trash cans after September 11th and put them upstairs, but still, one cannot hold onto their trash until they leave the station? It's annoying enough everyday when people leave their newspapers behind, scattered endlessly all over the station and train, but it's even worse when people just leave simple trash. I know some people like to leave their newspapers behind for others to read, but that's just an excuse not to pick up after themselves. The subway people specifically ask us not to leave the newspapers and have conveniently provided paper recycling bins at the exit of every station (very nice) so there really is no excuse for leaving them behind. As for other trash, what's the deal? Why would you leave your bottles, left-overs, candy wrappers, etc. behind? Do you think others on the train will enjoy seeing what you've eaten (on a train where you're not supposed to eat) or used? Yesterday I'm waiting for a train and this woman finishes off a bag of chips and just tosses the empty bag on the ground beside her. The train isn't hear yet, she could have taken the bag to the trash can upstairs or held on to it when she exited the train. Nope, she just left it on the ground next to her, as if the whole station is itself a trash can. If I had been a more confrontation person, I would have gone up to her and said something. But since I'm a quiet person I just got angry internally. I know I should have said something, but I didn't want cause a scene. So now you guys get to her my rant. Besides ranting here or confronting people, suggestions for making the subways less trashy?

More of the same. When will America wake up and realize that Bush's judicial nominees are so right wing that it's not even funny anymore? Maybe a few years from now when the courts are packed with Bush's nominees and they start making outlandish decisions then America might wonder what happened. It's all so sad.

The reason why there's rarely ever outrage is that this type of racist/sexist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc. type of stuff happens all of the time in Washington. I lived there for 4 years and witnessed it myself ALL OF THE TIME. The only reason it became such a big deal with Lott last year was because it happened at a low news time and it started traveling outside of Washington, DC circles.

I hate dating. It really sucks. Or maybe I'm just dating the wrong people. I know I've had a terrible history with dating the worst possible people I could find (especially my short history of boyfriends-- no offense to any of them who may be reading this, but, well, you were). Last night I got a little excited about meeting up with this guy I'd been talking to a little while. We agree to meet at a coffee shop. He proceeds to run into, not just one but two friends of his whom he goes and talks to for quite a long time, ignoring me all the while. Occasionally I would try to interject in the conversation, but he really wasn't interested in having me a part and I was getting more and more annoyed. Finally, I played the "pretend you have a phone call on your vibrating cell and excuse yourself" routine and step outside for a fake conversation, only to come back in and say that I need to go. I hate men and I hate dating.

Fascinating commentary on the current state, and history, of actors/celebrities making political statements and how the American public reacts to them.

Don't ever again say or think that it doesn't matter who's president. It does. Imagine how different our lives, our nation, and our world would be had they fully counted all the votes in 2000.

MONEY

Most people without a job prospect in the near future wouldn't spend $500 in one day. But I'm not most people. Yesterday I registered for a Spanish immersion course located near my home in San Francisco for all-day trainings each Sunday in May. I consider it an investment because my resume will work even further for me in my field with fluency in Spanish on it. I'm hopeful the program will help me get that fluency I so desire. And after I get there with Spanish: Chinese is next. All the better for living and working California.

I'm moving forward, not going back.

Very good quote from former Vice Presidential candidate Senator Joe Lieberman: I want to tell you why I know we can beat George W. Bush. Because Al Gore and I did it in 2000.

MONEY

No I haven't forgotten about my updates on my money outlay; I've been keeping track; I just haven't posted in a couple days. And expensive days they've been. Yikes! I spend way too much $ on food. The big reason, I know, is because food is a social activity for me-- like drinking is for others. I enjoy hanging with Jessie/Chris/others while we eat. But I really have to cut that back. Victor had a good idea in trying to cook for each other (although that makes me laugh more than I would be able to take it seriously) but still it's a good idea. Also, I could learn to just have coffee or something with my friends instead. I gotta think through this somehow. Suggestions?

And now to catch up:
WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?
April 7th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Drinks with friends $9.00
Dinner $19.00
Taxi with friends $1.00
Total: $30.25

April 8th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Tailor Deposit $80.00
Jamba Juice $3.75
Chiropractor $40.00
Laundry $5.00
Total: $130.00

April 9th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Lunch $10.60
Transportation $20.00
Movie Rental $4.00
Grocery Store $36.01
Total: $71.86

Gotta stop eating. I'll lose weight too. It's a win-win situation. ;-)

I wrote an email announcing my intentions to move on to all my colleagues around the state yesterday and received the warmest and most wonderful thoughts and well wishes. I'm going to miss all of them. This is sad.

Reading the paper is such a turnoff these days. I wanna be involved and read. And then, it's war, war, war all the time and I just get disgusted and put the paper down. And then there's lots of stories about how businesses are profiting off the war and I just get more sick. So what's next?

Someone told me they're bringing 20,000 therapists to San Francisco for a convention. I said I have 780,000 patients for them. Can you handle them? -- Mayor Willie Brown

Yesterday, I went to the tailor. You see, I have several suits from over the years, but none of which fit me properly anymore. I have my thin suits from before San Francisco when my waist was 28" and my body was 125 pounds. Then I have my fat suits from after I gained 60 pounds and had to buy new suits to fit. Now I have no suits that fit my current -20pounds frame. So off I went to the tailor with one bag full of the thin suits and one bag full of the fat suits and me in the middle hoping for help. And they proceeded to understand and accomodate and work with me on solving the problem. Here's to trying to stay somewhat consistent in my weight from now on.

My poor parents. They put up with so much. They really do. They worry and stress and worry and stress over my siblings and me. And then I go and quit my job in this terrible economy and they worry and stress. And I'm supposed to be the smart child.

My poor parents. I convinced them when I was little that I was going to be a big success in life and make lots of money. And I did get the good grades and I did go to college, and even grad school. And I did also surprise them with opportunities. But then I made this bizarre decision not to go into lucrative fields like law or business, and instead devoted myself to social causes that made no money. So much for "success."

My poor parents. My parents knew it was coming. They knew how unhappy I was. And I kept getting reminders not to quit my job without having another one. They've always given me that speech. And it's true. This time it had an extra twist: "you're not a young man anymore; you're getting old; you're not a spring chicken; jobs are harder to come by; etc." How nice. They mean it in the right way and they're right. They worry and stress. As I told my mother, I wanted to give her something new to pray about this week.

My poor parents. My mother said to me when I told her that I keep doing this. "Have you ever had another job secured before you've quit?" And I thought about it, and she's right. I never have done that. How strange. I've just known when things weren't working any longer and moved on. I think it all started early on right after college when I took on a temp position. Picture it: June 1992, Kansas City, Missouri, I'm 21 years old having just graduated with a Bachelors in the lucrative field of Sociology. I begin my first assignment with a temp agency. I quit on the third day because it was terrible. My parents are stressed and worried. I'm just want to volunteer at good cause places. (That was my plan after college. Great lucrative plan it was.) I get a call from my supervisor from my internship over my last semester of college and she lets me know that they've decided to hire me part-time. Hooray! I was so excited. It was no money and only part-time, but it was my dream. I'm driving in my old, used, hand-me-down Skylark through the highways of Kansas City. I put in the old tape player my favorite song of the time: Mariah Carey's "Make It Happen" and listen to it over and over and sing along driving around, happy as can be.

My poor parents. They've always put up with my insane career decisions. They've always been supportive and loving, but they stress and worry. And I'm supposed to be the smart child. Indeed, my poor parents.

So what I alluded to in previous posts of late is that I quit my job today. This was not an easy decision, nor was it something that I wanted to see happen. But it had to and it's done. My last day will be at the end of May.

When I first started this position as Executive Director of a statewide healthcare organization two years ago I cannot tell you how excited and determined I was. It was as if I'd finally come home. I was to lead a nonprofit for a good cause, coordinate major healthcare conferences to assist our public health system, work with dedicated volunteers and committees, and travel throughout the state. How perfect for me. I was ecstatic.

Then in 2002, over a very slow, gradual process, everything began to unravel. I'll spare you the extra long version of this story, but I'll suffice it to say that my job was never the same. Basically, the state took control of my organization in a series of small moves that eventually led to my organization being run by them. I was no longer an Executive Director, but a state cog in the beaucracy. Even my title and position were changed to fit with what they wanted-- a position and a title that I worked all my life to achieve. It was demoralizing and tremendously hurtful. And it just got worse after that. I'll spare you the day-to-day agony, pains, hurts, hits to my pride, and fears. It has been just terrible.

And now on to my new life! No, I don't have a job yet. Yes, I know that's insane and I'm crazy and Amaya, my cat, and I will soon be living on Jessie/Chris's couch (we'll talk). But it's the right thing to do. For me. For my career. For my future.

I have had some great interviews that have unfortunately led to some disappointing results. But I have hope that I will soon have a great interview that leads to a great result. And I hope and pray for the best. So wish me luck. And remember me when I come calling for $. ;-)

Finally got around to reading this cover article on Governor Howard Dean from the Advocate recently. What a great guy and a great read. I really like him. Here's another link to some of the buzz about his campaign down in Vermont. Let's hope he can go all the way! That would be way cool.

File this one under the category of never-good-enough-for-them. It would seem that, as expected, the stupid Green party that partially cost us the election against Bush in 2000, is now going to run someone against Senator Boxer because she's simply not "liberal" enough for them. Well, duh, no Democrat is ever good enough for them, no matter how liberal. That's why they're a separate party and they don't care about the outcome except to strengthen their own insipid, self-righteous, excessive causes. It doesn't matter to them that this could hurt the chances of keeping the "most liberal Senator in the U.S. Senate" (according to those politicos who rate these things) because it's all about them and not the fight against the right-wing. I'll be volunteering even more for Boxer in the coming year to put an end to this Green nonsense. 'Nuff said.

It's done. (I'll explain more later)

Tomorrow's the day. Wish me luck, pray for me, hope for the best for me, and so forth.... I'm nervous.

Had a lovely day full of bloggers even though I missed the big summit today. Had a lovely lunch with Victor who I really should hang out with more often. And then got to meet adorable Brent over dinner with my usual blogging friends Jessie and Chris. Nice day, indeed. (And speaking of "indeed," I also got to chat with wonderful David on the phone briefly because my pants ordered it. (i.e. my phone called him accidentally by pushing the button on my phone while it was in my pocket.))

MONEY

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?
Today's cash outlay:
Newspaper $1.50
Coffee $1.50
Lunch $17.00
Dinner $8.00
Total: $28.00

When I first moved out to California in 1999 there were two things I really wanted to do: 1) work at a youth center or some other local direct service, community nonprofit; and 2) volunteer or work for Senator Boxer and help her get reelected in 2004. The first one keeps slipping through my fingers even though I do keep trying. The second one is beginning today. I'm off to volunteer in her campaign office and will be doing much more soon. I'll keep you posted.

MONEY

This month's issue is turning out to be more apt than I might have expected. First, I'll have major, difficult, scary, yet exciting news tomorrow. But my biggest surprise was finding a notice under my door yesterday which included a questionnaire from the owner of the building. It mentioned the possibility of the building being sold. My landlord assures me that it's not the case and it's just a fact-finding issue. But, um, scary.
and to continue
WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?
April 5's cash outlay:
Newspaper $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Milk $2.49
Lunch $10
Total $13.74

The happiest of birthdays to you, Chris.

MONEY

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?
April 4's cash outlay:
Newspaper $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Transportation $20.00
Total: $21.25

This, my friends, is how out of touch Republican congresspeople are.

Soon Republicans will be advancing the idea that all of us must work unpaid overtime and weekends to ensure the "safety" of the country. And you wondered what would happen when all the attacks from conservatives over the years would lead to the demise of the labor movement. Now, here's only part of the answer.

One wonders what news we're not hearing....

MONEY

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?
April 3's cash outlay:
Newspaper $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Juice: $4.00
Movie: $9.50
Transportation: $2.00
Dinner: $15.00
Total: $31.75

How sad and ironic that he died right now.

Who's afraid of peace? Apparently, everyone. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I had the great unpleasure of having to tell someone today that their position was being eliminated. I hate this.

So how exactly is this war in Iraq making the world safer for us? Riding a wave of anti-American sentiment, outlawed Islamic extremist organizations that were routed by the U.S.-led war in Afghanistan in 2001 are making a comeback.... Muslim radicals are feeding on anger over the war in Iraq to regroup and revitalize, raising the threat of more anti-U.S. terrorism around the world. Analysts say the Iraq war is emboldening militants, who believe the United States is distracted by the fighting. "Militants know that the United States is fully engaged in Iraq and that has diluted their focus on the war on terror."

I like the journalist for the Chronicle who monitors and critiques television. He likes the Simpsons and Buffy. And he's funny. ...all of a sudden -- bling! -- the TiVo said it was switching over to "The Simpsons." Oh holy mother of temptation. That was a tough one to resist.

MONEY

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?
Today's cash outlay:
Newspaper $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Dinner: $17.00
Jessie: $1.00
Total: $19.25
I'm using strict definitions of cash outlay versus life spending (i.e. you don't see a lunch here or a dinner last night because I ate food that I purchased earlier at the grocery store. As I go to the grocery store in the future, I will note that amount at that time.) This will hopefully help me determine at the end of the month where my money is going on a daily basis and in general. (i.e. it's my game and my rules.)

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT

Not only is Bush the first president to appoint a smaller percentage of women to the federal bench than his predecessor, but the women he is nominating are Scalia in a skirt—women who never saw a woman’s legal right that they wanted to uphold.

A good history lesson in a short little summary on the California energy crisis of 2001.

Is this for real? Please tell me it's just a joke. These days, I'm just not sure.

New Issue of the Month is up:

MONEY

$$$$$$$$$$

As I mention in my personal statement on the Issue page, I will be running a daily tab called
"WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO?"

Today's cash outlay was:
Newspaper $0.25
Juice $1.60
Lunch $10.00
Grocery Store $27.45
Total: $39.30

Bracing for Bush's War at Home: You have to connect the dots

This is the kind of crap we get when Americans fall asleep, pretend government doesn't matter, don't vote and participate, and right-wing ideology isn't challenged:

The government has room to scale back individual rights during wartime without violating the Constitution, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said Tuesday. "The Constitution just sets minimums. Most of the rights that you enjoy go way beyond what the Constitution requires."

Sorry, I've been asleep. Very asleep. My three-day weekend (yes, three days because here in California, March 31st is an official state holiday in honor of Cesar Chavez) was mostly sleep, sleep, and more sleep. I must have really needed it. I'm still really sleepy, but had to get back to work today so here I am.

Friday night/Saturday morn I slept about 15 hours. Then took some naps on Saturday. Saturday night/Sunday morn I slept about 13 hours. Then Jessie got me out of bed and took me to a park and I was out in the beautiful, sunny weather for much of the day. Sunday night/Monday morn I slept about 12 hours and would have slept more except that I had a lunch plan with my friend Alicia at noon. Then I returned home around 2 and slept til 6 for a "short" nap. Last night was the first night I couldn't sleep, but I also couldn't get out of bed this morning. I swear it's been like a drugging or mono or something.

But today is my first day where I'm actually feeling better. I even sang and hummed a little this morning, reminding me what "better" felt like. That was a nice feeling. Soon, my friends, soon. Oh, and, I do have a new Issue of the Month almost ready and will post it tonight. Things are about to get better than ever.